Lotterolympics

Hello dear readers. I admit, I have spent the past few months being extremely cynical and dismissive about the London Olympics.

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I was brought up in Borehamwood, which is technically in Hertfordshire but has one foot in North London, so I have some life experience of living there as a child.
Having lived in the South West for over 25 years, I obviously cannot claim to be a Londoner; in fact, as a Rural Spaceman, to me, London is a place where very angry, overconfident people like to live, travel and work very closely together whilst being charged twice as much for everything and being disappointed if they’re not. I admit to being a slow witted, slow living bumpkin, but still believe there must have been some secret government plan in the 1970s to introduce cocaine and amphetamines into the London food chain.
Anyway, I digress. The Olympics I thought I would ignore I ended up being addicted to. I really enjoyed it. But this is for another blog I promised myself I wouldn’t write.

Especially now, when it’s all over and everyone can go back to being depressed and cynical again. But I really have to share my idea that came to me towards the end of the whole Olympic experience.

Here’s the thing. Four members of my family managed to get tickets to see the 100m final. Yes, very lucky, but my niece’s husband, Young Mr Ragggett, managed to do it. How? Well, he entered the lottery for tickets and didn’t get them. Then he tried in the second round, where he somehow had preferential treatment and was given the opportunity to buy some. I think. Some of these details may be incorrect, yes there is an element of fortune, but he still had to buy the tickets for a large amount of money, I assume.

So, watching the Games the other evening, my wife, Lady Barton St Mary, commented that most of the spectators had obtained tickets through the lottery system. This got me thinking and I’ve come up with the best idea ever. It’s mine, I’ve been to the patent office, so don’t even try to pinch it.

The idea is simple, as most brilliant ideas are.

I thought about how, when tickets to events went on sale, you had to go online and apply for them. You could just make a random choice of sports at different price ranges, but then had to wait to see what tickets you had been allocated or not. In our case, not.

What if we set up an Olympic Games where you applied on line for random sporting events. And if you were successful, you had to participate?
It would be called ‘Lotterolympics’ and all nations would have to enter in the same way. Could you imagine what it would be like? The TV coverage would be superb; something like this:

“Good evening, and welcome to day 10 of London Lotterolympics. Coming up tonight:

Rowing – a really exciting race today, involving the pedalo final, where the Rodriguez family from Spain won a gold medal.

Another success for GB as Geoff Elliot, a plumber from Basildon, Essex, wins silver in the inflatable crocodile 2km. First place went to Gustav Muller, the German champion, despite the fact that Geoff managed to reserve the best lane by getting up very early and claiming it with a folded towel, which is not only contravenes the Lotterolympic spirit but also turns all forms of stereotyping on its head.

Diving –  No medal for Gladys Reeves for the individual diving event, despite an impressive 2 and a half with crunch on her last attempt. She does hold two Lotterolympic records though, as the first wheelchair user to participate in this event and being the oldest competitor at 85 years old. The Koreans did put in an appeal, stating that being pushed off the diving board by her 57 year old son gave her an unfair advantage.

Cycling – In the time trials, Norwegian enthusiast Lars Thorsmorgen wins gold, as the chasing group make it to 12 km before deciding to stop at the Queen’s Arms pub for a spot of lunch and a pint .

Swimming – another bad day for Australia. Just before the 200m freestyle final, Shane Gowler, wearing a red wristband, gets called out of the pool because his time is up.

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GB Lotterolympic synchronised swimming team.

Sailing – The Connors family from Bracknell are very close to winning another gold for GB, with only one more buoy to negotiate. This race was due to finish 4 days ago, but unfortunately, none of the Lotterolympic competitors have any idea how to sail.

Boxing – Lots of confusion in the Excel arena today after a mix up saw a six year old girl from Surrey fight a 58 year old man from Kazakhstan. Officials insisted the bout went ahead, despite the weight difference of nearly 40 kg. The fight was stopped in the second round when the Surrey girl knocked out her opponent. One advantage to the UK’s child obesity problem.

Also, news from the special lotterolympics  version of triathlon – having led after the initial wine round, the French competitor fell away in the optics, only managing 5 brandies in the allotted time. This meant that Berthold Albrecht from Austria could take the lead, followed by the UK’s Terry Donkins.

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Albrecht managed to keep the lead throughout the beer session, finishing only half a pint ahead with a score of 15 pints in a world record time of 45 minutes.
We were going to go over live for an interview with Terry, who won the silver medal, but unfortunately he has been overwhelmed with emotion. He’s also asked our interviewer who the **** he was looking at before punching our cameraman.

 

So instead, let’s head over to the women’s weightlifting, where mother of four Debbie Matthews from Wigan is about to attempt her first lift in the 53kg class with a weight of one pushchair, two bags of shopping and a toddler…”

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About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
This entry was posted in borehamwood, comedy, comic characters, humour, Lottery, Olympics, relationships, Sports, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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