Well, straighten my hair and call me Leona. X – Factor.
First up, Eddie String, a nail on favourite to be the new Frankie Cocozza.
Then a nice young lady made some positive comments, but I didn’t know who she was. Turns out it was Leona Lewis, who’s had a head transplant.
Amy Mottram was the next audition, who came from Essex. Where Adele comes from. She was quite a big girl, a bit like Adele. She wore big ear rings, like Adele. Then she sang a song by guess who. Despite the fact she had lost 5 inches in height due to the tremendous weight of her ear rings, she sang very well. All the judges said yes which was fair and wise, considering how scary her mum and sister appeared to be.
This started a stream of good contestants, Georgina, Charlotte and Sharon, who are absolutely useless when writing an amusing X Factor blog, damn them. But wait, here comes the first big boy band for 2012…GMD3. Louis immediately fell in love with them, since they were just like all the other boy bands he managed: out of time, awkward, cliched and completely flat. All the other judges were in agreement with Louis. They obviously sounded better in the studio. For a moment, I thought Nicole had seen sense and would be saying how crap they were, but to no avail, which is what makes X Factor so great.
MK1 were also successful, once they jettisoned the geek, with Gary saying he looked like their accountant, who had accidentally ended up on stage with them, hence stealing my joke and further ruining my blog. Charlie was a particularly good looking young man, I thought.
Then the finale. Back to string. Lots of it. All over the ample buttocks of the (wannabee) famous Lorna Bliss, lately of Britain’s Got Talent and any other show she could appear on. This time, she appeared in a big string vest showing her knickers and bra, but her knickers didn’t have a bottom. She wailed whilst wrapping her legs around Louis, who reacted like a man who’s just had a kipper thrown in his face. I think Lorna may have been barking up the wrong tree. After smearing herself over TuliSa and Nicole, Gary did what any sane man would have done and legged it. To be honest, Lorna was barking on so many different levels. Until next week. One more chance.