Well, cuddle a mental granny and call me Dermot. X-Factor.
No hanging about tonight as Nick Buss, a 70 year old rock and roller opens the show. Following in the footsteps of Jason, Nick finds the name TuliSa beyond his capabilities. The show starts with a mentalist.
“Who is your hero?” asks Louis.
“Who do you think? Look at me,” replies Nick.
Black shirt. Black trousers. Black shoes. Glasses. The man in black with glasses. Oh, he’s going to sing a Roy Orbi-
“Buddy Holly, of course!” he explains.
Then he starts singing. A minute later and you’re starting to wish he’d been on that plane with Buddy, Richie and the Big Bopper in Iowa. Cue four nos and some abuse from Nick, before he stomps off into the night with his wife, a lady with alarmingly black hair.
Then the Only Way Is Essex bit with Jade Ellis, she of the teenage pregnancy and cinnamon swirls on her head.
“You remoind me of a young Danish pastry,” Louis Walsh nearly said. Jade sang. Judges did the ‘smile, bite bottom lip, look at each other and nod’ act, meaning they’d found a cash cow for old botox face.
A succession of boringly good female performers before we all sat up once more as Bianca Gascoigne, famous for being the daughter of Paul and, erm, other things, appears on stage.
“I’ve always wanted to be a singer,” she exclaims.
That’s after wanting to be a model, a celebrity, a TV presenter and wealthy for being useless.
Cut to Bianca’s family. Her mum, Cheryl, and her brother stood watching, crying in true
Gazza tradition. Alarmingly, Bianca’s brother looks like a strange combination of Gazza and Herman Munster.
Four no votes, embarrassment for Tulisia, I mean Tulisa, and Bianca disappears, filling in her application form for ‘Dating In The Dark.’
Tammy Cartwright gave a good audition and made it to boot camp, but what helped was crazy Nanny May, who was invited on stage by Mel B, who loved her. What made this ironic was the fact that Nanny May was a dead ringer for Scary Spice from the TV show Bo Selector!
One more audition episode before they all head off to boot camp.
Maybe I should start watching Dallas, instead. It’s that ****ing Tulisia.