Well, hide my razor and call me Gary. X Factor.
First up, an act that was so dench you could taste it, is it. Clapz Shizzayne wooed TuliSa with a real phat rap song. Sorry. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Or Clapz. But TuliSa liked him, even though it turns out he has a violent criminal past and his real name is James.
He’s followed by a succession of young men, some with beanie hats (Adam), some without. Richie Cunningham aka Dale Ali also loves TuliSa.
Then, One Direction are back! No, there’s only three of them. It’s Triple J, who follow all the boy band rules, including 1) all wearing chinos just below the bum line; 2) Have one member who leads the singing with a voice like a highly trained Dalek with sinus problems. The judges are in raptures. Louis has to leave the stage and spend some private time alone in his dressing room. More treats for Louis on returning to Harry from One Direction! No, he’s called George Shelley and the judges love him too. Cue more dressing room time for Louis.
Nathan’s good, too. He’s tall and black. Louis pauses for a moment before deciding not to make any comparisons.
Next Beanie on stage is Robbie Hance who has the ultimate sob story – he’s homeless. What’s more, he’s brilliant.
“You’re through to boot camp. We’ll send all the details through to you,” Gary nearly says.
Cue the Michael Jackson music, which means it’s time for the mentally ill.
Danielle is a cheerful young lady with terminal scouse. She does a great impersonation of Adele with pneumonia. The judges tell her it’s not good enough.
“Gissa chance. I can sing Jesse J,” she claims.
“Give us 30 seconds of Jesse J, then,” says Gary. She does. It’s an impression of Jesse J without any tone whatsoever. The judges tell her it’s not good enough and give her the heave-ho. Danielle’s mood darkens as she leaves, vowing to go on ‘The Voice’ in future. Whatever that is.
Then some oldies, including Carolynne, who made it to Louis’ boot camp last year. She was rejected after it was decided she had no real charisma. He doesn’t remember her, mainly because he’s Louis but also due to the fact that Carolynne has the personality of a sideboard. She sings quite well. The judges like her and put her through. Carole’s back in boot camp. I mean Carolynne.
There we have it. Two episodes of boot camp to follow.
‘The toughest 48 hours of their lives,’ apparently. Mine too. Help me get away from this hell. Until next week.