Well bleach my hair and call me Tulisha. I mean Tulisia. Tulisa. It’s boot camp time on X Factor.
“This is where the competition really begins,” says Gary, which confused me, having already suffered seven episodes of this stuff already.
All the ‘bootcampers’ were herded into one big hall in Liverpool, which can never be pleasant. I mean, all those egos and tears in one place at once, not being in Liverpool. I’m sure that the Sinitta loving one had ensured the building was able to withstand a tsunami of tears and that the walls were smug proofed.
To compound matters, JLS had a little chat with the campers.
“This is your only chance of a lifetime,” said Marvin, or one of the big ones that isn’t Aston. Which intimated that if you were unfortunate enough to be eliminated, it might be best to end it all. X-Factor, sponsored by Talk Talk and The Samaritans.
The New Order style of thinking continued with the judges appearing to announce a 30% cull of bootcampers. Suddenly the campers knew what it felt like to be a badger faced by a coalition government. The rest of them had 72 hours to get their act together, or they’d lose their gun and licence and if the chief finds out he’ll be down on me like a … hang on, I think the channel changed over to an 80s cop film at that point.
Boy bands – I’ve never seen a man happier than Louis when not one but two of these appear on the stage at once. I believe Gary has ordered him to keep his hands on the desk in front of him at all times during their performance. GMD3 and Triple J seemed to be Louis’ particular favourites.
Girl bands – mostly terrifying, synchronised air grabbing shouters. Voxe were dead meat; From Above went through, I think, despite being what a seagull does from above.
Duos – The one act that really caught my eye were MK1. Imagine giving Same Difference class A drugs and forcing them to choose all their clothes from Sports Direct. Anyway, they stomped all over The Lightbulb Thieves, they were way too harsh for dem, dey showed dere swag, issit. Sorry. I’ve lost it again.
Girl singers – The singing fairy was very, very loud and made it to the next level. Adele, I mean Amy,triumphed, not singing an Adele song. But my favourite act of all night had to be Collagen Westwood. She would have been my favourite for her name alone, but she decided to down a bottle of whisky before her audition with two other prissy girls. Hence, she appeared on stage like a pissed Morticia from the Addams Family and failed miserably.
“Have you been drinking?” asked Louis.
“I is had a likkle bik a whisky, s’good fer me thro-ick,” replied Collagen.
The judges looked shocked that somebody might drink alcohol before performing music on stage. The first ironic moment of the night.
“Alcohol is never good for your voice,” said Gary.
Rubbish. I know that after lots of alcohol I have an absolutely fantastic singing voice. I’ve also discovered that if you get completely pissed, Take That sound quite good.
Boy singers – Jermaine Douglas, the quirky boy with the Forrest Gump appeal, blew a chip, but they all loved him, even though he can only sing songs that he knows well, which may be just the one.
Robbie, the singing hobo, didn’t join in the pre audition party, choosing instead to buy a few cans of Tennant’s Super and sitting on the wall outside. Next day, he kipped on a sofa before completely ballsing up his chance.
“I’m going home,” he said. The second ironic moment of the night.
But nothing could beat the apocalyptic trio of Rylan, Octavio and Gathan. These three made Glee look positively butch.
“He may be able to maintain a falsetto,” gasped Octavio of Gathan, “but he hasn’t got my breathy whistle tones.” Quite.
So, what did we learn tonight? Rylan and Octavio have the limpest high five I have ever seen. Lucy, the lag’s daughter, managed to make it to the group stage. Jason, who called Tulisa Tulisha gets the heave ho, which is a bit sit for him. A leopard print top on a man is never a good look.
But most of all:
NOBODY IS GOOD AT SINGING ‘MOVE LIKE JAGGER’ EXCEPT MAROON 5.
Until tomorrow, when I hope this blog will be mercifully shorter.