Well, put my hair in a tight bun and call me Nicole. X Factor.
Tonight was the time to choose who would be going through to the judges’ homes. Do they really go to the judges’ homes? Does Louis have to get up early and make egg and bacon for everybody?
Lucy, the pale faced Victoria Wood tribute act, showed that she was a proper musician and singer/songwriter with real raw talent. This confused the judges, who aren’t used to seeing this sort of thing.
But they weren’t out of their comfort zone for long, because Rylan appeared to woo the crowds.
“I’m all about dance music,” he said, which to my mind is mainly instrumental without any
singing, something that would suit Rylan. But no. He insisted on mincing about the stage wailing, a legend in his own imagination. I’m not a violent person, but I would have cheered loudly if a vengeful sniper had been hiding in the audience to take him out.
Jermaine, who last night sang ‘Move Like Jagger’ in a style similar to somebody being tasered at the same time, felt a bit queer. Two St John’s Ambulance people appeared, which in my experience isn’t too comforting. A friend of mine cut his head open playing rugby and all they had in their ambulance was a nappy. Nicole and Louis went to see him. Nicole gave him a cuddle, which made him feel a lot better. It would make me feel a lot better, too. Anyway, he did well, even if the vocal gymnastics were too oooOOoooOOooo much.
Melanie the shouty fairy got the nod, as did Christopher Maloney, the man who lives with his nan in Liverpool. Great singing voice, but can’t understand a word he says.
Carolynne Poole also triumphed.
“How old is she?” asked Master Johnny.
“Well, she’s over 28,” I replied.
“MILF!” he shouted, before returning to his homework. You can’t argue with that.
Jade Ellis, the single mum with the terminal haircut and short term memory, sang half a song well and made it through, too. Not so for Joseph, the rock singer who sells tools. In fact, the judges chose a tool instead of him. When they decided to send Rylan through and Joseph home, my first thought was kill them. Kill them all.
Times Red, with the ‘Richard Gere before grey hair and hamster story’ looks, made Nicole sit up in appreciation. Same with Lady BSM, but she didn’t shout MILF! Where M=man.
Then there was the 16 year old girl whose name I’d forgotten, but could remember as Dead Granddad Girl. Ella Henderson! The act of the night. Nicole cried. Louis suddenly showed an interest in somebody who wasn’t a boy and wasn’t in a band.
So, onto the final choices. By this time, I was losing the will to live, but managed to pick up the following:
Girls (TuliSa) – Dead Granddad Girl, Victoria Wood, Adele, Jade Singlemum and another one, maybe serial killer’s daughter.
Over 28s (Gary) – Forward brush fringe Kye, Shouty Fairy, Nicola Marie the Thunderbirds puppet, MILF and Christopher, the Michael Barrymore tribute act.
Boys(Nicole) – Rylan. Bloody Rylan, who blubbed all over Dermot, saying, “Idal bubble durdle blubbel dubbly.” At least, that’s what it sounded like. I was too angry to hear the others. Forrest Gump was one of them and the boy who looks like Lidl’s answer to Jarvis Cocker.
Bands – I had to go to the loo at this point. Sorry. Returned to see Triple J and GMD3 have a sing off. They were good. Both of them. Triple J were a little bit better, so in true X Factor style they chose GMD3. This means that Triple J can make a triumphant return when MK1 attempt to murder one of their rivals and are eliminated.
Just before I go, a quick word on the appearance of the mighty high waist -banded one, who appeared on a balcony next to the beach in his favourite M&S vest and dark glasses. The reaction of Louis on being told by Smugger the Hut that he was to be the handler of the bands was pure X Factor gold. Louis wriggled in the back seat of his limo and spoke in a voice only previously heard coming out of Joe Pasquali’s mouth.
Until next week. Tinie Tempah, Ne-o (?), Sharon Osbourne and Cheryl Cole. I may need therapy.