Well, show off my chopper and call me Gary. X Factor.
Tonight, the remaining contestants were off to the judges’ houses. Apparently.
Firstly, the groups, who found themselves jetting off to Las Vegas to meet their mentor, who emerged from a huge white limo looking rather bemused. It was our very own Louis, specially botoxed up for the occasion. So botoxed that his head had swollen up so much his wig looked like it had shrunk. He was accompanied by Sharon Osbourne, whose botox intake is also high but well regimented. When she kissed hello to Louis the noise it made was akin to two balloons rubbing together.
Red Square and Mitsosu passed without incident, followed by MKI. The boy member had broken his leg, playing football he claimed, but I suspect he did it kicking one of the rival bands senseless.
Surprise, surprise, Triple J, who were eliminated last week reappeared as Union J, which meant they’d inherited a new member to make then look even more like One Direction.
Duke, a rather scary trio of ‘boys’ in long singlets, had one member who could belch the tune. If Sharon could laugh, she would have done.
One of GMD3 can do a really good impression of an acoustic guitar, since there wasn’t a musician in sight.
“Actually, I’m a bit bored with boy bands,” said Lady Barton St Mary, which was a fair comment.
Next up, the boys, who spotted a rather strange woman who lies about her age with one leg slung across the rails of a massive yacht that was speeding towards them. They all squealed OMG and fanned themselves with their hands.
“Ooo! It’s Nicole! I can’t believe it!” sighed one of them. There is a distinct lack of testosterone in this group. Nicole was joined by somebody called Ne – OH. Or Oh-No. Hang on. Ne-Yoh! Whose look is best described as Sid James on acid. (Google it, teenagers). Bargain basement Jarvis Cocker was alright, so was Jake and Adam, despite the ABBA song. Then – Rylan.
“This is the time I’ve got to be serious,” he said, appearing in front of the judges dressed as Mary Magdalene. He wasn’t bad (you don’t know how much that hurts to say) but still looked like he was a victim of a severe wedgie attack.
TuliSa, who looks more like a Simpsons character every week, was joined by Tinie Tempah. Issit.
Jermaine Douglas was his usual self, but may need a new chip fitting if he has any chance of reaching live shows. Jade Singlemum with the terminal haircut seemed to fare well, but Leane had no airtime at all – good or bad?
Jade, the serial killer’s daughter, sang well and looks like she will go through, if the judges know what’s good for them. Lucy Spraggan (Victoria Wood) sang like Victoria Wood.
“I think she may be one dimensional,” said TuliSa. No shit Sherlock.
Ella Henderson, Dead Granddad Girl, was brilliant, despite having to deal with very heavy eyelashes.
Then Gary, arriving in a helicopter, followed by Cheryl Cole, who was there to help him decide who was good at singing. Now that is ironic. She appeared with a rather white face and wearing very red lipstick. The look can only be described as ‘Social Housing Geisha.’
Carolynn MILF did a lot of hair tossing and will no doubt get the male vote if chosen. Nicola Marie, the Thunderbirds puppet, appeared in a very inappropriate dress and was very nervous about the fact that Gary hated her.
Lovely Gary did his best to put her at ease by telling her he hated her but that was in the past, this was her chance and there was no pressure. Yeah, that’ll work. She was pants. She nearly showed pants. It seems singing Tragedy was rather apt.
Brad – who? He replaced mad nanny girl. Michael Boulton sing a like. I don’t know.
Shouty Fairy shouted a love song and despite this, seemed to impress Gary.
Then little Kye, who again sang his heart out. Cheryl’s beady little eyes sparkled.
“But can he hold a note?” asked Cheryl. Boy that girl has some neck.
Until tomorrow. Decision time. Shorter blog. Thank goodness.