Well, change my seat and call me Gary. X Factor.
It’s live show time, which means a bit of Dermot dancing. I love the fact that he’s the only one there who’s aware it’s only a telly programme.
First up, the wild card decision. Dermot waved a silver Clinton’s Cards envelope claiming it contained the name of the person who had been voted onto the live show. Of course, it was the talented Adele sound-a-like Amy. No hang on. In true X Factor style, the public had spoken. After all these years, I still forget the public are complete morons who shouldn’t be allowed out, let alone phone TV talent shows. It was Nanny Fairy Christopher Malone, the Liverpudlian cry baby two steps away from a nervous breakdown.
The 12 acts that are going to hold our attention until Christmas before being completely forgotten about then joined the blubbering incomprehensible wreck on stage and the whole incredible journey could start with an Olympic theme. This meant the X Factor machine had rounded up lots of successful Team GB members, kept them captive and subjected them to some pretty awful singing. The Olympians were unfazed, however, having been rounded up, enclosed and made to witness the closing ceremony of the London Olympics back in August.
First up, a band that nobody had heard of: District 3. It turns out that the X Factor has decided GMD3 wasn’t marketable enough. Louis invited them to his dressing room (oo-er) and told them to research the internet for a new name.So. Four young men looking on the internet. They finally decided on District 3. Louis wouldn’t allow them to be called Asian Babes or Barely Legal.
Their song was Simply the Best in true X Factor style in that the words were familiar but the tune was different from what I thought it should be.
“You made that song your own!” exclaimed Louis. Only 7 minutes in and we get the first ‘song your own’ comment.
“You remoind me of a young Boys 2 Men,” Louis continued. Precisely.
Following a quick appearance from X Factor corporate slaves One Direction, who have been given terminal haircuts and stock company soundbites, waved to the audience and mercifully left the stage before they had a chance to sing.
James Arthur, the bargain basement Jarvis Cocker, had been transformed with a pot of hair gel and a tube of eye liner. Sharing a room with Rylan must have that effect on you. He started singing like a seal on heat but got better. It occurred to me that if this transformation is stepped up a level every week, he’ll end up looking like Dead Grandad Girl Ella Henderson.
Shouty Fairy – Louis picked up on the Robert Plant/Janis Joplin vibe. No shit, Sherlock. The motherly Melanie was reunited with her children and the husband that will no doubt be disappeared by the X Factor secret police if she shows any inkling of winning.
“ I miss you and love you,” her daughter said, after several takes, “now where’s my ****ing present?” she nearly added.
Lucy Spraggen – “You remoind me of a young Victoria Wood,” said Louis. No shit, Sherlock.
“You made that song your own!” Hang on. It was her own. Don’t worry. By episode 15 they’ll have her in a sparkly boob tube singing a Kylie song.
MK1 – A bit of a shaky start from the little girl, but really ‘hard core grime’ in an X Factor way. If M&S made hard core grime, this would be it.
Nanny’s Fairy – He’s such a good singer, but such a bloody numpty. It’s as if he’s been hiding in a wardrobe with all his singing talents. I’m sure it won’t be long before he comes out of the closet. Which is probably why Louis was so catty about Christopher’s fake tan.
Union J – “I’m really excited by Union J. Four good looking young boys.” Yes. Quite.
Performing ‘Don’t Stop Me Now,’ the Queen song, they weren’t so much Freddie Mercury, more Freddie Kruger. They have George, though, a clone made in the X Factor labs from saliva collected from One Direction’s Harry.
Jade Singlemum – She’s a single mum. She’s vulnerable. She’s pretty. She’s exotic and can sing good karaoke. Borrowing Dead Grandad Girl’s eyelashes, she performed ‘Hero’ to a different tune, hundreds of birds flew out of the piano. Miraculously, not one pooped on her head.
“You’re one hot mum,” said Nicole. You could almost feel Carolynne Poole bristle with indignation.
Rylan – Best explanation of choreography ever.
“I’m thinking oh, but oh.” Cue confused looks.
Apparently he’s been receiving death threats, though he hasn’t committed any crimes. He may be weeks away from releasing a criminal record,though. Then he was on stage, like a toffee penny from a tin of Quality Street. Surrounded by lots of curvy, sensuous, sexy women in skin tight costumes in black and gold, the dark stripes daringly sweeping down each side of their bodies, gently caressing their… sorry. I was distracted and almost missed Rylan groaning in the background. Yes. He’s crap. Gary told him he was crap. So he’s a nail on dead cert for the final.
Kye – he started in the wrong place, behind the judges, which is dangerous for Louis. If he turns around too quickly, his wig can’t keep up.
Dead Grandad Girl– should win the whole thing, but the demographic of the audience may deny her this. She has an interesting face though, don’t you think?
Carolynne MILF – There she was, in a tight fitting leopard skin top, pouting into the camera with her beautiful, seductive eyes… Sorry. The act. Carolynne appeared in a black sequinned number, tight at the waist, wearing shorts, her long, lithe, sexy legs… Oh for goodness’ sake. Concentrate on the singing. It was country. Niki Minaj. Allegedly.
“She’s a very pretty girl,” said Lady Barton St Mary. No shit, Sherlock.
Jahmene Douglas – last but not least, the singing android was being groomed for the first live show. I thought he was talking to his mother, a small electronic hand held device, but it was Nicole on his iphone. So far, they haven’t been able to rewire his circuitry to stop the giggling. He did well, ‘Imagine’ programmed into his singing chip. Nicole said he was ‘in the moment,’ had ‘found his balls’ and she would like to ‘give him a squeeze.’ Unfortunately, Jahmene’s system was at maximum load and his data bank translated these statements as, “At this moment, I want to squeeze your balls.”
He left the stage on a sack trolley, to be repaired at Computer World.