Well, wrap me in bacofoil and call me Ella. X-Factor.
Tonight’s episode was one that finally got to me.
Firstly, there is no apostrophe in over 28s. Believe me.
As usual, they were relying rather heavily on the Cowell corporate farm for turns, but tonight threw up a real curve ball. Labrinth (yes, I do know it should be Labyrinth) and Emile Sande. Two real musicians, who can write songs, sing songs, create real and original music.
“You remoind me of a young Lenny Henry,” I expected Louis to say, but after a true musical turn worthy of Jools Holland’s Later programme, Darth Cowell’s subjects, the judges, were in no fit state to pass judgement on proper music. How Labrinth came to sign for Simple Simon is a mystery to me; it’s a bit like Raymond Blanc working for McDonald’s.
Dermot announced the appearance of JLS, another product of X Factor. I’m not the first to notice this, but do you think Sharon from Brentwood thinks she’s voting for JLS but is in fact voting for single mum, Jade Ellis? Whatever. JLS appeared to sing their latest single, which seems to be an excerpt from their new concept album. I drifted off after a couple of minutes. No comment from the judges for fear of the Cowell death grip should they step out of line.
The two acts up for expulsion were MK1 and Kye. The cute gangster rap grime streets isit band were up first, making a mess of an N-Dubz song. I only know because Tulisa told me it was an N-Dubz song. It was rubbish, but then…
Kye appeared. He opened his mouth and proceeded to completely murder one of the most poignant songs to be written in the past 25 years. Bonnie Raitt sang it first; George Michael gave it real meaning; Bon Iver gave it true, heartbreaking emotion. Kye killed it. It was like watching an ill educated thug stamp on a beautiful kitten. Every fibre of my body screamed ‘Get him off this show NOW!!”
But of course, it went to deadlock. Sharon from Brentwood and Warren from Stoke on Trent all voted for Flat Stanley.
Last night, Nicole said that MK1 were shamazing, which stood for super amazing, apparently. That makes tonight’s decision Fuawful.
Until next week.