Well, pull a sicky and call me Spunky. X-Factor.
Shock and horror as Lucy Spraggan leaves the competition due to illness. Followed by the shock and horror of Dermot telling me we’re only half way through the live show. Please help me.
First up was Rylan. It’s always best to get the painful part over first. Nicole seemed very excited to be taken to Essex, claiming she’d never been there before. If the short feature is anything to go by, Rylan spends most of his time in a beauty salon that’s operated by a Katie Price android.
“Essex is the Hollywood of England,” trilled Rylan. So, a place where everybody is cosmetically enhanced, spray tanned, spend most of their time pretending to be somebody else, self-centred, deluded and in danger of being shot at any moment.
A typically understated performance, Rylan in a glass cage dressed like a scarlet turkey and surrounded by the Bet Lynch fan club once more. The judges stayed true to form and Dermot nearly cricked his neck interviewing Rylan in heels.
Other Direction explained how being in the sing off last week made them feel.
“Your mouth goes dry, you’re shaking and you want to be sick,” one J explained. Just like I feel every week watching this. Their appearance with George on guitar was much better, as the Darth Cowell laboratories pump more of the One Direction Cowell slave George into the Union J George. They were supported by 40 girls all waving their arms at the front of the stage. I predict this will be the size of their audience in two years’ time. Come back and make fun of me when they sell out the O2.
Kye went back to visit his brother, the chimney sweep.
“Oh no, what are you doing here?” said Kye’s brother, totally surprised. The camera man, sound man and director in the room weren’t a bit of a giveaway, then?
Cut to scene in the café, where Kye brother read some platitudes from a Cowell cue card under the table.
It turns out that having big hair doesn’t mae you sound any better but at least it fools X-Factor. People all around the country were waiting to hand him back his rods and brushes.
“You’re vocal performances turned it around, you made it your own,” said Louis. Quite.
Professor Lidl got to meet Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. Oh and the other one from No Doubt. The bloke. You know, what’s his name. Both of them smiled through gritted teeth as James Arfur (as Tulisa calls him) informed them that he was going to sing their songs. Nicole tried too hard to enjoy herself as he sang. Not his best moment.
Dead Grand Dad Girl was then invited to a No Doubt master class. Gwen and Tony – Tony! That’s his name!
Ella had her hair down this week, for a look that can only be described as Alice in Wonderland designed by Gok Wan. The pianist accompanying her had his hair most definitely up, in the Smugger the Hut’s favourite style, a sort of upturned hairy ice cream cone.
With the aid of a few old oil drums and some table lamps, DGG managed to captivate the audience far more than the Essexwood star with his cast of thousands.
District 9 were very enthusiastic about their turn this week. First, off they went to meet Gwen and that bloke, erm, no it’s gone again, trying their best to look into Gwen’s eyes. Next, rehearsals with real live girls.
“We’re not good with girls,” they confessed, coyly. During the run through with the gorgeous dancers, one nearly did himself an injury when he slipped in his own saliva. As the live performance started and they began to sing, the dancers ran away in terror, but were persuaded back once the boys reached the stage. The curvaceous girls with their tousled hair and seductive looks gyrated and writhed around them gently grinding their buttocks into their pulsing groins… sorry. I’m off again.
Tulisa was right, by the way. Trying to sing in tune whilst remembering dance moves, doing gymnastics and coping with an enormous erection is nigh on impossible, but don’t ask me how I know.
Jahmene took Nicole to Asda, where he explained that this was where normal people bought things. Asda were delighted to dress the Pussy Cat Doll in a rather alluring Asda outfit and give her a stock check scanner. She was enthralled. She then informed shoppers by announcing over the PA that they would get half price goods if they voted for Jahmene. The shoppers looked shocked, not at the announcement, but at the beauty of Nicole. The manager nearly said it was most unusual to find a woman in his store over 30 with all their own teeth. The feature ended with a shot of the singing android still and vacant standing in the Asda aisle. I thought he’d had a power failure, but then realised this was the usual pose for Asda workers.
His performance? Better than normal, so … Jahmazing.
Nanny Fairy. Is he a phony? Is all that bug eyed, shaking, sweaty heroin addict cold turkey behaviour all an act?
“Der yerrravanee advice ferrrme?” he asked Gwen and that bloke. She smiled sympathetically.
“We think you’re really sweet,” she said. That’s a no then.
“I’m going to grab it with both hands, it’s all I’ve wanted to do” he stated. Yep, we are well and truly ensconced in X-Factor lingo now.
“Don’t wanna be, all by myself,” he belted, wearing another of Captain Jack’s coats. Stop singing then. Beautifully crafted eyebrows, though.
Until next time.