Well dress me up as the Quality Street man and call me Rylan. X-Factor.
I want to know what’s happened to the Dermot dance. I really miss the only normal person on the programme hamming it up.
I also noticed that when Dermot announced Louis and Gary’s names, the flashing lights above the stage spelled out ‘willy,’ but I may have imagined it. Rural space cadets can check for themselves.
The contestants sang their usual non-descript song. Close your eyes and it sounds like a room full of people being tortured to the sound of dance music.
Then on to the (ahem) super group, No Doubt. No came on dressed in a black leotard that had been attacked by a particularly ravenous group of moths. I don’t know what the collective noun for moths is.
“I can see No, but where’s Doubt?” I asked Miss Katherine.
“That isn’t Gwen Stefani,” sighed Miss Katherine. It was a lady called Kia Ora, apparently, so was on X Factor nearly showing her lady bits in order to sell her new album, which was advertised during the break, coincidentally.
Then it was No Doubt. Gwen obviously shared a dressing room with Kia, because her skirt had also been attacked. I think Mr Cowell needs to buy some moth balls. The rest of the band seemed to have two Sideshow Bob impersonators and had obviously had a dressing up box race before appearing on stage.
Thankfully, the moths had spared these clothes, probably because they would have gone blind if they tried to eat them.
So, on to Dermot’s Clinton’s Cards envelope and the sing off. Rylan versus the wailing chimney sweep.
Rylan gave the performance of his life.
“You sang like an angel, Rylan” Gary nearly said, “the sooner the better.”
Kye came on and sang another song I didn’t know.
The judges sent the decision to deadlock, voting to form, with the Essex girl going with Rylan.
By the way, why didn’t the moths attack Rylan’s leotard?
Irony of ironies, Sharon from Dagenham decides that Rylan stays and Kye goes. At least it was revenge for him murdering “I can’t make you love me…”
Anybody need a chimney sweep?
There isn’t a definitive collective noun for moths. Do any rural space cadets have a collective noun for X-Factor contestants?
Until next time.