Well, mince across the screen with a bit of paper and call me a stagehand. X-Factor.
This week, it’s best of British, so looking forward to hearing songs from the best artists our fair island has ever produced. Who am I kidding?
“Why are we still watching this?” asked Lady Barton St Mary.
“I have a blog to write,” I answered truthfully. She took a large swig of her gin and slimline and grimaced. Well, it was ten o’clock on Sunday morning and we were watching X Factor on our digibox.
Nanny Fairy looked hurt.
“People are trying to spoil it for me,” he wailed, referring to the boos and the claims he’s voting for himself. Well, to be fair, you’ve spoilt their Saturday nights for the past three months.
Cut to scene of Christopher practising the chorus of Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing.”
“No,” said Gary, giving his own version, which was just as flat and painful. Good job Elton wasn’t there. He’d have got David to glove slap both of them.
The singing android needed more maintenance this week, with a malfunction in his confidence programming. Nicole handed him an android phone and Jennifer Hudson spoke encouraging words to him. He immediately fell in love with the phone. Their was a terrible mix up with the song choice, because Jahmene sang a Robbie Williams song when it should be ‘best of British,’ accompanied by one of those choirs that sing ‘oooo’ and then ‘arrrrr’ every alternate minute, like a slow witted farmer.
“You move me, you stir me,” purred Nicole. Jahmene rushed off the stage to polish his hard drive.
District 9 are all about the hair. I mean the music. The music and the hair. They were a triumph of vocal ability over hairstyle. After last week’s performance with sexy dancers, they showed how much better they could sing without a stiffy.
“Do it for the gewools,” cooed Tulisa, urging on Dead Grandad Girl. Ella met two women who are apparently an inspiration for women and a role model for their gender, namely Kourtney and Kim Kardashian. I had no idea what they were famous for; Master Johnny explained that Kim starred in a rather popular video that appeared on the internet. As usual, Ella was brilliant, singing a Tinie Tempah song.
“I’ve loved the Spice Girls since I was a six year old girl,” lisped Rylan. Do you think anybody ever has typed ‘Rylan’s girlfriend’ into Google?
His favourite was Geri. Behold, Geri appeared, radiant in her vacuousness. Rylan turned into a groaning loony.
“Wow. When Rylan met ………. Alliwell,” he claimed, using jazz hands for emphasis. Geri and Rylan practised their dance moves. Not their singing moves, thankfully. My hopes started to rise at the start of his act when it appeared he’d decided to hang himself for crimes against music, but it was all part of the show.
I couldn’t fail to notice the girls in white bikinis, sitting in giant champagne glasses, seductively squeezing water from sponges over their glistening bodies, writhing so their costumes moved teasingly away from their fulsome breasts, their pulsating …. sorry. I’ve gone again. The champagne glass girls’ hold over me was finally broken by the terrible noise in the background. It looked like a tone deaf gay wet dream. The judges loved it, except Gary of course, who can’t understand why a big show can be an excuse for awful singing. Bit ironic, that.
Another Direction were singing for the armed forces. They all had relatives who wore uniform – The Navy, The RAF, The Marines. One of them who’s name starts with J didn’t mention anybody. I think his dad is a traffic warden. During their turn, I noticed those poor girls are still trapped at the front of the stage. Can anybody help them? Dermot mentioned the judges were splitting hairs. The boys panicked for a moment, worrying about their Cowell styles.
Finally, Professor Lidl. The X-Factor stormtroopers have been keeping his family captive since the live shows, just in case they need to bump one of them off to generate more interest. Nicole managed to spring James’ little sister, who sprinted on stage to hug him.
“It’s been awful in the Simple Simon Prison for X-Factor Families, they make us wear high waisted slacks and we have to listen to Sinitta records all day,” she nearly said, hugging Mr Arfur. He sang the Adele song “Hometown,” all about London and the people of London. X-Factor helpfully provided a backdrop of New York.
Finally, the real One Direction appeared, singing their latest single, a ballad. If you do have a digibox that allows you to fast forward so everything speeds up, including the audio, try it out. The song is much better. Mainly because it finishes sooner.
Until next time.