Well do the splits and call me Nicole. X –Factor.
“What’s happened to Dermot dancing?” enquired Lady Barton St Mary, who had one eye on the TV whilst cleaning her twelve bore rifle in readiness for next week’s shoot. I was going to chastise her for making a mess in the drawing room, but I decided it was wiser not to annoy a powerful, feisty woman holding a firearm.
Just as I was lamenting the lack of Dermot dancing, behold! Dermot with a pair of tin foil incontinence pants dancing to ‘U Can’t Touch This.’ Ryantastic.
This week was all about guilty pleasures. Surely the only guilty pleasure X-Factor could have would be a liking for original music played by talented musicians who have practised their craft in pubs, clubs and small venues before being discovered. But now I’m sounding prissy (I originally mistyped prossy, but feel that may be something entirely different).
Another Direction were on their way to Paris, Disneyland, to be precise. I later discovered that all the acts went to Paris to perform. No wonder the French hate us so much. Cue pictures of them on the rollercoaster, screaming with fear. Fear that all the hair gel on their heads may slip off half way round, slap into the face of a young child, consequently causing death by suffocation. They sang a song called Call Me Baby, which was a one hit wonder. Just a clue, there, boys. It’s all about the hair.
Dead Grandad Girl Ella in Paris, doing proper singing. Ella at the Twilight premier, screaming at Bobpat and Kirstew (I think that’s what the kids call them). Ella on a big box, singing ‘You’re The One That I Want,’ really slowly, but brilliantly. If this girl doesn’t win, this whole TV show is a travesty. Oh hang on a minute…
Professor Lidl, the revered James Arfur, was sitting on the sofa, staring lugubriously at Nicole.
“You’re going to Disneyland!” she squealed. It was like telling Liam Gallagher he’d won tickets to see Take That. Mr Arfur maintained his neutral look.
“With Rylan!” she continued. It was at this point the cameras were turned off whilst the film crew tried to remove Arfur’s large tattooed hands from around Nicole’s slender neck.
Cut to pictures of Rylan shoving Minnie Mouse ears onto the grime star’s head, with predictable reaction. Rylan and James on a Disney ride together. Priceless.
“Rylan helps me to find my lighter side,” said James. “But all in all he’s a tit and I’d love to punch his lights out,” he nearly continued to say.
The cut price karaoke grime rap singing icon of X chose to sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Off You.” They carried on, despite a problem with the backing band. Somebody had stolen the poor man’s drum kit, so he was forced to play his seat instead. By the way, does anybody else think that his hair gets more ‘Cowell factory -like’ every week?
Rylan practised his language skills.
“Je m’appelle Rylan,” he offered. “Ferme la fenêtre. That’s French for close thewindow,” he explained to Nicole. Nicole, being American, probably thought that France was a made up place until she reached adulthood. Rylan admitted he wasn’t fluent in talking French, just talking bollocks. Rylan in Paris Disneyland was everything you would expect it to be. Rylan met Mickey Mouse, so picture the scene: a two dimensional character with big ears and a big head meets Disney’s biggest star. Let’s not bother with the performance, but just to mention there’s a boy sitting at home watching Rylan and seething over his lack of breathy whistle tones.
On to Nanny Fairy, who loved Disneyland as well. There is something disconcerting about watching a man in his thirties cuddling a mascot. Minnie Mouse meets Shaky Scouse. He sang ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ with a huge effigy of his face melting in the background. Crucially, he forgot to shake until half way through the song. After some fairly bland judgements, he was off to start voting for himself.
Finally, the Singing Android, who loved Disneyland Paris, with all of its rides and waving robots dressed as Disney characters. I even think he may have been related to them. Also, have you noticed that Jahmene’s hairstyle is perfect for removing the top of his head to sort out his wiring and then replacing it without making it noticeable?
“You remoind me of Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Ray Charles,” claimed Louis. This from a man who when interviewed by Danny Baker, didn’t know who Van Morrison was. He thought it was how a certain supermarket delivered its goods.
Until next time.