Well slip down the steps and call me Alicia. X –Factor.
“Oo I like Rylan,” cooed Lady Barton St Mary. She really needs more sleep. Or a psychiatrist.
The opening song from the contestants was the usual display of Dead Grandad Girl outsinging the rest of them. By the way, stop the J boys from fiddling with their microphones when Nicole is speaking. They’ll go blind.
Tulisa claimed she wouldn’t be buying Nanny Fairy’s album.
“I don’t think I’ll be buying ‘ers, either,” the narky Nanny pouted, before getting back on his phone.
Olly Murs, cheeky chap and one of Cowell’s singing slaves, sang his new single, which sounded a bit like his last single. He’s sold 5 million records, had two double platinum albums and three number ones.
“Oo I like Ollie Murs,” said Miss Katherine. Sometimes I lose the will to live.
Alicia Keys was next up, daughter of Richard Keys, I believe, with her new single, surrounded by rather strange ninjas. Which reminds me – where’s my balaclava?
On to the votes, and tonight’s was an X-Factor blinder. One after the other, the tone deaf, deluded contestants that have bravely supported Professor Lidl and Dead Grandad Girl on Sundays went through. Thanks, Jasmine from Rayleigh and Lance from Dover, you’ve got what you voted for. Having thought X-Factor couldn’t get any worse, it did.
Twitter in meltdown. Judges annoyed, which made it slightly entertaining.
Louis, confused as usual, takes ages to decide on sending home James.
Deadlock. Out comes Dermot’s silver card.
Dead Grandad Girl is dead. Long live Dead Grandad Girl.
Until next time.