Well, look in the wrong camera and call Rylan James Arthur. X-Factor.
This week’s show started like a trailer for the latest zombie thriller, as black and white images of Rylan gurning, Jami from Another Direction sitting on Nanny Fairy’s lap weeping uncontrollably and Louis trying to look shocked. Maybe they’d just seen the latest viewing figures (yes, wordpretzels, I am aware you gave up watching weeks ago and just read my blog to stay informed).
“Your best performance so far!” exclaimed Louis to Ella, who was culled from the Cowell Cheese Factory last week.
“This is not fair!” cried Tulisa, “These two should be in the final!”
All I can say is that she’s had ample opportunities to vote Rylan off the show in previous weeks. By the looks of her dress this week, she still possesses ample opportunities.
This week the turns get to sing ABBA and Mowtown. Yes, ABBA, whose influence on popular music has been immense. If it wasn’t for the bland pap they produced in the early 70s, my generation would never have revolted and punk would not have been possible.
“No one is safe,” warned Gary. Yes, Gary, and now no one is any good.
The sight of Rylan’s pinny with super-imposed naked man body made me feel a little squeamish. However, he did make the effort to make Thanksgiving dinner for the mental Sugar Babe, enlisting the help of Professor Lidl, who was forced to prepare the turkey.
“Ooo, I don’t want nuffink to do wiv touching the rear end,” said Rylan. Quite.
His performance with a large chess set was interesting, managing to hide behind the backing vocals and double tracking whilst avoiding brushing up against a queen or bashing the bishop.
“You’re my kind of cheese,” said Tulisa, who obviously prefers brown, camp, flat varieties of cheese.
Then the bombshell from Another Direction. Standing erect in his chav hat, Jami proclaimed he was gay. Who would have guessed.
“We really respect him for being so brave,” said George.
“I really respect him for tidying my stuff and choosing the right lighting for my room,” Josh nearly said. The captive girls were there for their performance of Winner Takes It All, the boys secretly handing them bread rolls so they can stay alive until next week.
Nanny Fairy, the shaky scouser, has received so many death threats he’s left Twitter. Maybe they should stop the other competitors from texting him. Have you noticed how his Diva side is starting to appear? The shaking is starting to disappear and the feisty Maloney is emerging. Close your eyes and listen. I swear he’s beginning to sound like Lily Savage. New cocky Chris crooned through his bit supported by The East Croydon Land Based Synchronised Swimming Team. The judges were comatose by the end. But fortunately, the lovely Dermot was there to raise the spirits with some – DERMOT DANCING!!
The Singing Android needed a human mother, so Cowell sent out his storm troopers to employ Patsy Palmer to play the part. Patsy insisted on wearing her hair in a variety of intriguing styles, culminating in the studio with one that made her look like a 12 year old who has just aged 30 years overnight.
As his performance started, something must have blown in his circuitry, because he was engulfed in smoke.
“It was like you were saying a prayer,” commented Nicole, which made me realise that X-Factor is a bit like a religion. Well, they’ve voted against all the women, for a start.
Professor Lidl was his normal excited self – why is he on X-Factor?
“You made that song your own,” said Louis, his 23rd ‘YMTSYO’ of the series.
On to the next round of songs. Yes. Two rounds. I have to hear them sing twice; those of you who are now watching Strictly and rely on me for your X Factor info, I hope you’re happy.
Back came Another Direction with lots of double tracking and bass, singing ‘I’ll Be There.”
I’ve decided Rylan is great. As long as he doesn’t open his mouth, wailing away with The Supremes on an acid trip.
Then Professor Lidl finally lit the place up with a supreme version of ‘Let’s Get It On.’
“This is a song you would sing to woo the ladies,” explained the humble one. He was brilliant. He wooed me. He’s by far the best one left in the competition. This means he’s a nail on certainty to go out of the competition in the vote off.
The Singing Android stood on the wrong side of the huge letters spelling out his name to sing ‘The Tracks of My Tears.’
Shakin’ Scouser finished the show with a cruise ship croon. Nicole got lost in a cereal based analogy whilst trying to critique his performance.
“I didn’t understand it, ye no,” said Christopher.
“I’m sorry. I meant to say you’re ****ing boring,” Nicole nearly said.
“Anything else to say?” asked Dermot of Nanny Fairy.
By the way, that idea of a Zombie story based around X Factor is mine. Also, a story where an adult wakes to discover they’ve become a 12 year old is mine, too. I bet nobody’s thought of that one.
Until the next time.