Well, say Westlife a lot and call me Louis. X-Factor.
So, this is the episode where the judges lose their power and you, the public, decide. In other words, instead of the talented one from a cheesy boy/old man band, the talented female one from a chav band, the manager of one of the most reprehensible boy/old man bands ever known and a flaky American girl(?) band member, the decision is in the hands of Sharon from Basildon, who thinks the most influential music album of the past twenty years is ‘Believe’ by Justin Bieber.
Or perhaps it’s Doreen from Harrogate, who likes Cliff Richard and Christopher A’Phony. Apparently, she and her like-minded friends are in the majority of those watching X Factor. Them and hollow eyed bloggers, reporting for liggers like you that have stopped watching but just need a weekly fix of old nonsense. Thanks. Westlife.
First up, Doreen’s favourite, Nanny Fairy. His Nanny came to see him.
“What would you say to Louis if you met him?” asked the self-voting one.
“I’d tell him he was a ******* **** then stab him in the ****” she nearly said in a vicious Scouse accent. They have such a great sense of humour in the North West.
“Armsinginfermenanyeno,” he said, before singing a Josh Groban song.
“It was a Westlife song!” claimed Louis. No. Westlife murdered it. Using Louis’ logic, ‘Stairway To Heaven’ is a Rolf Harris song.
The judges gave their verdict. They all agreed that Christopher was basically efficient and effective. Like Mogadon. Westlife.
Then the Singing Android threw everything behind his strongest X Factor poker hand to date with the story of his late brother, pure, unadulterated X-Factor gold. He stated how he would sing the whole song all the way through which he never managed at his brother’s funeral. He appeared on a set of stairs that led nowhere. Was he going to sing ‘Half Way Up The Stairs’ by Kermit the Frog? No. Nicole surpassed herself by claiming that Baby Jesus liked it. I assume that Baby Jesus is Sharon from Basildon’s first born daughter.
Another Direction pleaded for the women of Enfield to vote for them, before singing a song I didn’t recognise. “Take it off now, girl, I want to see inside,” they sang. Well, three of them did, at least.
“Your performance was like a growth,” said Tulisa.
“Up to now you’ve sounded like four solo singers in a band. Tonight you sounded like four solo singers in pain,” said Gary.
Professor Lidl has managed to find a skype line through to The Cowell Prison for X Factor Family Members, speaking to his brothers and sisters. They had so much to talk about.
“Yeah. You alright?”
He then sang ‘One,’ a favourite of Lady Barton St Mary’s. The icy expression on her face suggested that it wasn’t her favourite version. Or Westlife’s.
The Android returned, with Nicole revealing she started in the same way that he did. I don’t mean she was built in an electronics company, I mean she was on a talent show before ending up in the Pussycat Dolls. Mind you, she still never managed to get on to ‘I’m A Celebrity…’
His performance was … well … Jahmazing. Jahmazing, I take it, means tedious, uninspiring, dull, Royal Variety Show fodder.
Shaking Scouser went to see Nicole at work, which was exactly like watching Tulisa at work. It involved a lot of standing about with an occasional bout of bum wiggling surrounded by fluorescent tube lights.
It appears that trying to sing a Michael Buble song was too much. Michael Booby, more like. Gary’s eyes said it all as he stared ahead and willed the nervous ninny to finish.
“That show how versatile you are,” said Gary, which must mean not versatile at all.
“YenoIwannadoabituptempoyeno,” he said, before leaving the stage. No screaming girls for Christopher to touch as he leaves. Funny, that.
Josh, Jaymi, George, JJ and Jimmyjams next, as Louis appears in a onesie. He promised he would wear one if Union J reached the semi-final and kept his promise. Luckily for Gary, he didn’t have to honour the promise he made if Rylan had made the semi-final. A middle aged boy band leader waving his willy at a live television audience wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Mind you, I’ve had to sit watching a load of old cock on the telly every week for months, so it wouldn’t really affect me.
They zipped Louis’ head into the onesie. If only they’d zipped up their mouths.
“It was extremely safe,” said Tulisa, which could mean safe – safe or urban safe. I’m not sure. I’d need a day out with Tulisa at Sports Direct to find out.
Professor Lidl finished the show, singing ‘The Power of Love’ in front of two giant red ears. It was the Frankie Goes to Hollywood version, not the Jennifer Rush one, but that would have been interesting.
“If there’s any justice, you’d be in the final,” said Louis. If there was any justice, Westlife would never have formed and many innocent classic standard pop songs would not have been murdered.
Until next time. Westlife.