Well, wear a sparkly jacket and call me Rod. X-Factor.
Exciting news from Dermot tonight.
“Tonight, we have a mystery appearance of a rock n’ roll legend!”
I could only assume that Gary Glitter intended to storm the stage in an attempt to resurrect his career. The remaining turns appeared onstage, singing ‘Merry Christmas Baby,’ a song made famous by Bruce Springsteen, BB King, Chuck Berry and – ahem- Hanson.
The mystery guest wasn’t Mr Gadd, but Rod Stewart, who is much more respectable but did have a creepy hit in the last century all about taking a young girl’s virginity. Rod was there to flog a few more copies of his ‘new’ Christmas CD by appearing with the fearsome four remaining acts in X Factor.
This was followed by our very own Tulisha, wearing a Cowell approved hoodie, belting out her latest song from her – you’ve guessed it – latest album.
“You remoind me of a mediocre Ella Henderson,” Louis nearly said, but wisely didn’t, considering that when she was younger, Tulisa’s favourite pastime was stabbing people. Allegedly.
“I was very nervous,” Tulisa admitted. I’m not surprised. She was followed by Pink, also flogging her latest album. Tulisa managed to fill the stage with fag smoke, but Pink didn’t seem to mind. She didn’t appreciate little Dermot’s interview technique, however. It took all her will not to pat him on the head.
So onto the part we’ve all been waiting for. Who have all those people stupid enough to give money to Darth Cowell voted for. It turns out there’s a million of them, which is less stupid people than there used to be, but probably more than those who would now vote for Nick Clegg.
First act through is… Professor Lidl
Next act through is … Nanny Fairy.
Last act through is … The Singing Android.
Bye bye, Another Direction. It’s all about the hair.
Out came the three finalists – Jahmene had a speech malfunction, James Arfur as his usual excited self and Shaking Scouser saying:
Until next time.