And so, that was Christmas, and what have I done? Another year over, a new one just begun. (Just a moment, I think I have the perfect lyrics to release a Christmas song next year when I win X Factor).
As 2012 comes to an end, it gives me an opportunity to review what has happened in the past 12 months, what I have learnt and what I expect for 2013. I have the usual fears and trepidations that everybody else feels at this time: Will the recession continue? Will there be less strife, war and atrocities around the world? Will Noel Edmonds continue to present Deal or No Deal?
What have I learnt?
Kitchens take a long time to design. I am not the best person to sit in on planning meetings, since after 3 hours I can feel all my internal organs trying to shut down in order to escape the tedium. At this point, I either have to make an excuse to leave the room or face the humiliation of breaking down in tears or shitting myself. In the worst cases, both at the same time. Or in the very, very worst cases, getting half way out of the room before bursting into tears and doing a poo. Hence, the family now refer to the whole episode as ‘The K Word’. The experience made training days at (almost voluntary) work appear stimulating.
1) I have learnt that Lady Barton St Mary is happiest in a 5 star hotel. Who wouldn’t be?
2) This year has also convinced me that it may be time to take the trailer tent to Dover and push it over the cliff. Alternatively, we could sell it to some poor deluded camper with young children. These said children, like our own, will grow older and look at you as if you are mentally ill if you should suggest camping. Unless at a music festival, where you can get drunk and stoned enough not to care. Allegedly.
3) I can spend 4 days alone with Lady Barton St Mary without either of us trying to kill the other. The Lake District is wonderful.
4) I can spend 4 days on a small boat on the Norfolk Broads with Gerald, my old fag from school, and his wife Sarah (who won’t use her title for political reasons) without wanting to kill either of them. This means that days 5, 6 and 7 of our holiday required extreme self-control.
My body, although middle aged and floppy, is pretty normal. My brain suffers from some form of neurological ADHD. This means technology, financial matters and any form of important instruction from Lady BSM is scrambled into a code my brain refuses to decipher.
X Factor Blogs
Ok. It started as a laugh. Lots of people read my blogs after watching the programme. As time passed, X Factor inevitably got worse. People stopped watching but continued to read my blog, until eventually, people were out enjoying themselves every weekend whilst I sat by the TV trying to think of something funny to say about an increasingly dark and dire 2 hours of dross. Never again. Unless we carry out the plan Lady BSM has in mind:
We apply for the X Factor next year as a duet. No doubt, as we progress from the auditions to boot camp to the live final, I’ll be able to write an inside blog about my adventures in the Cowell Death Star. Hey, I may even get a Cowell coiffure…
I do need your help, Space Cadets, in finding a suitable name for our act. Answers in the comments column please.
My Favourite Things.
There are other people writing blogs out there, believe it or not. Have a look at these:
Musings of an English Gentleman – written by my old fag, no doubt aided by somebody else. A triumphant example of snobbery and mild racism worthy of The Daily Mail. Try reading ‘Best Man and his Beloved Reliant Robin’, his best blog so far.
Creative Cows – blog about stand up comedy, written by a very funny lady called Vanessa. She’s threatened to give me a spot at her comedy club, but as Miss Katherine commented:
“I think your writing is funny. It’s just that you’re not very funny.”
No, I don’t understand her either.
Whitesnake Said It Best – Home truths from an Irish lady who works in a call centre for a bank. The retelling of customers’ requests and questions are priceless.
Cranky and Taxing – A lady from the American States gives us a taste of the excitement of being an accountant and divorced, but not necessarily in that order.
Jodie Ambrose – a proper author and potty mouth.
Little Grey Box – Australian who lived in England before returning to her home country.
My favourite blog of 2012 has to be entersomethingfunnyhere – a young mum struggling with life’s problems, but never failing to make me laugh a lot. She seems to have stopped writing recently. Go to her blog site and nag her for more.
I don’t watch a lot of telly, believe it or not. I’m usually busy writing this rubbish. But there are a few programmes I really liked this year.
There was Parade’s End, a great programme with the bloke who played Sherlock Holmes. You know, him. Dumbledore Binglebatch. I think. The story was very English; the dialogue spoken in such posh tones, I struggled to understand, for example:
“Fah lah, diddley fet twa, yar fillely please you marm.”
“Eww rarlah chris far, yo sucha beesly beesly marn…”
Being Human somehow managed to lose all its major characters and still be good; Red Dwarf X was a triumph! Who’d have thought that a TV series that had seven good series more than ten years ago could return on form; The Fear was a great miniseries: all that anger and gratuitous violence has convinced Lady BSM to take a minibreak in Brighton with me in 2013, where we first met. Homeland kept you guessing and looks like it will continue to do so, though a third series must surely be its last. As an aside, who would you prefer to be with, Carrie or Jessica? I keep asking Lady Barton St Mary, but she seems unimpressed, occasionally commenting on how annoying Carrie can be. My favourite programme for 2012 has to be The Walking Dead, probably due to the fact that the characters are 3 dimensional and there are zombies! What’s not to like!
I tried to watch the second series of The Killing but gave up. Similarly, I watched the first episode of The Hour, then forgot about it.
Next year will hopefully see me up for an audition for Deal or No Deal. My application went in last June and I haven’t heard anything yet. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned my complete set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Or my obsession with Noel Edmonds being controlled by prescription drugs.
The Dark Knight Rises – not as good as The Dark Knight, but still good.
Skyfall – a good old fashioned Bond film. Made me want to wear super sharp suits .Also, it made me fancy living in a straw hut with Lady BSM, occasionally popping out between steamy love scenes to the beach bar for a drinking contest with the locals. Just like living in Brighton again.
Difficult subject I know, with great albums from The Two Bears, Hot Chip, Django Django and First Aid Kit. But my favourite album was An Awesome Wave by Alt-J. The lead singer may sound like Kenneth Williams impersonating a pub singer, but it works for me.
Best single nearly went to the 50 year old band The Rolling Stones with Doom and Gloom. They definitely get the video of the year. What a lovely young lady.
But my favourite song of 2012 is Simple Song by The Shins. This song is an earworm of epic proportions; once heard, it’s still rattling around my butterfly brain days later.
I also managed two gigs this year, too. Ok, one of them was Tom Jones at Kingsholm. But the other was a real return to teenage days with a visit to Bristol O2 Academy to see Hot Chip supported by Django Django. I was accompanied by Miss Katherine, who usually has very good taste in music, but has decided to ruin all that by going to see Olly Murs next year, proving that punk rock was really all in vain.
So that’s it. More ramblings next year, mainly about age, nostalgia, pussies and the trials and tribulations thrown at me.
Until next year.