Typical Family Dinner Talk? – Minutes of the meeting.


Minutes for family dinner, Thursday evening.

Present: Yours truly, Lady Barton St Mary, Miss Katherine, Master Johnny, Ollie the cat and Stanley the cat.

Dinner was served at 8.00pm.

Stanley requested to be let outdoors. Ollie entered.

Miss Katherine asked if any member of the family would like some peppermint tea. Lady Barton St Mary and Rob said yes please. Miss Katherine asked for preferences. Lady BSM stated that she wasn’t fussy, but would prefer a china cup, not a normal mug, no, not that one, the one with the farm animals on it; place the tea bag in the cup for a little while, don’t stir but lift out.

Ollie requested to be let outdoors. Stanley entered.

Dinner started with a debate about twitter accounts – Master Johnny stated that Miss Katherine was not as popular as him because she had less followers. Miss Katherine observed that a lot of Master Johnny’s followers were people he didn’t know, hence were weirdos. Point of information from Master Johnny stated that Miss Katherine only had friends she did know, which made her less popular than Master Johnny and equally weird.

8.10pm – Lady Barton St Mary confiscates mobile devices and decrees dinner time to be device free. One incidence of Lady BSM checking facebook on her mobile phone was observed and duly noted.

Stanley requested to be let outdoors. Ollie decided not to enter.

Master Johnny revealed that his group of friends would be attending the 2000 trees festival in August. During this time, there will be a challenge to kiss the oldest girl possible. Aspirations amongst the boys vary from mature (20) to really old (30). Miss Katherine suggested that older women may be persuaded to kiss younger boys.

Master Johnny invited Miss Katherine to the festival. Miss Katherine declined on the premise that she was only being asked in order to kiss one of Master Johnny’s friends.

Lady BSM remarked upon appropriate age differences for couples. Miss Katherine offered the formula for a younger partner: Half your age + 7 years.

Lady Barton St Mary stated her intention to determine the age of our new dentist, a Colin Farrell lookalike, for future consideration.

Ollie and Stanley requested entry into the house. Stanley accepted offer. Ollie changed his mind.

Knock Knock Jokes.

Master Johnny made a short presentation on crap knock knock jokes aimed at unsuspecting 6th formers at school, including the classic:

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Ida Nup…”

Miss Katherine suggested that this may be a shoke.

Yours truly and Lady BSM requested verification of the term.

Master Johnny explained that if something is not very good, it is prefixed with sh-, meaning shit.

Hence, shit joke = shoke.

Members of the family suggested their own versions, including Gulliver’s Travels starring Jack Black (Shmovie) and Ollie Murs (Shmusic).

Stanley requested to be let outdoors. Ollie entered. Stanley decided to stay in.

Master Johnny announced the death of an old family member, the cactus that lives in the bathroom, which has not been watered for 4 years. Several theories as to how the cactus expired were espoused. All members agreed to the disposal of said cactus due to a do not resuscitate notice.

A point of information was raised by Master Johnny regarding the naming of cacti kept at school and owned by a teacher : Pupils are given the responsibility of naming said cacti.

Master Johnny explained that one cactus was given the moniker ‘Billy Ball Bag’ and another ‘Two Knobs’.

A discussion concerning the advantages and disadvantages of having two sexual organs ensued. Lady BSM suggested that during a state of arousal whilst wearing trousers, a rather convenient ledge may be formed for supporting a cup of hot beverage or a plate of sandwiches.

Ollie and Stanley requested to be let outdoors. Stanley left. Ollie changed his mind, then changed his mind again and followed Stanley.

Any other business: Master Johnny and Miss Katherine demonstrated the art of ‘snap chat torture’, which involved the slapping of a sibling followed by a photograph taken on an adenoid phone.

The meeting was adjourned at 8.30pm after a telephone call from The Marchioness of Prestberries.

Ollie and Stanley requested to be let in.


About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
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2 Responses to Typical Family Dinner Talk? – Minutes of the meeting.

  1. LillianC says:

    The deadpan delivery is hilarious. Every time I got to another line about the cats I laughed even harder.

  2. Thanks, Lillian, I’m glad you found this funny. Stan and Oliie find it hilarious!

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