Well, don’t wash my hair for 9 months and call me Friend. X Factor.
This year, Tulisa, or that ****ing Tulisia as we liked to call her, has disappeared from the judging panel, probably because of her associations with the finest Colombian talcum powder and spurious stories in the newspapers. Replaced by Sharon Osbourne, who it must be looks one botox injection short of her head exploding.
This year’s blogs need to be shorter, to avoid me getting to December locked in a darkened room watching images of Gary Barlow whilst the rest of you are out enjoying yourselves at Christmas parties and relying on my blogs to bring you up to speed. So the new format will just supply the bare facts and gags (yes, there are gags in this blog. Look harder).
Here we go. The usual format, but with a few good (ish) singers before the mentally ill people were wheeled in, such as:
A boy who hadn’t washed his hair for 9 months. But he didn’t tell Dermot this, even when the lovable O’Leary ran his fingers through it.
A 19 year old children’s football coach, who, on getting four yes votes, was mobbed and hugged by his young footballers. As well as a few mums. Rather over enthusiastically.
J Star – he had a baseball cap. He had red shoes. He had high cheekbones and supreme confidence. He was crap. J St..ah ah ah ah… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzf6B4Yj_Bc
Phil – sorry, Fil – from Maidenhead. The love child of Brian May and Alan Partridge.
Then the mentally ill. A waiter in red budgie smugglers. A 47 year old fitness instructor who dressed like a children’s TV presenter. A ‘unique’ performer. “You sing like a dolphin,” opined Sharon. He didn’t remoind Louis of a young Lenny Henry.
A divisive split of a band. I missed that one. Bloody ITV Player.
Then, pure X Factor gold. Hannah. A deceased father, an estranged mother, a good voice. Darth Cowell must have had the pound signs flashing in his eyes.
Euphoria Girls – kill them. Kill them all. I think they’re Tulisa’s customers.
Raluca and Christina – get them to kill Euphoria Girls. With their voices.
Alex Baldwin – new Go Compare man?
James Nakasan – dubba row seven.
Irish lady – what the feck.
A human bagpipe. Please help me. I can’t do this every week for 3 months.
Luke Britnell. A Justin Beiber tribute act. But unlike Beiber, he wrote his own song, sang well and wasn’t a complete tit.
Sam Bailey – The first “This could change my life” of the series. “She’ll be good,” said Lady BSM, ” she’s a prison officer. She doesn’t have special needs.”
She was. “See,” said Lady BSM, “I’m a much better judge of these people than you.”
“Where did that voice come from?” demanded Louis. Doesn’t he know? That means Lady BSM is a much better judge than him. With less cosmetic surgery.