Well, show a picture of my pussy and call me Colin. X Factor.
As promised, I’ll keep it as brief as I can. You can fill in the gaps.
Chloe: Flatter than Norfolk. Judges loved her. We call this ‘The Westlife Effect’.
Barclay: Channelling Frank Ifield. There’s one for the teenagers.
Shelley: New Shouty Fairy. Think she went through. Lost interest.
Ryan: How could a bin man ever win a singing competition? Oh, hang on … Andrew Abraham…
Thomas : Pretty sure he had some form of high frequency autism. Let’s all laugh at him!
Stuart: Tree surgeon. Song butcher. Sounded like Barry Gibb being water boarded.
Abi: Ellie Gould on helium. Nice. Louis thought she wasn’t ready for this show. Go figure.
Colin: Looked scary. Carries a photo of his cat. May be a serial killer.
Jade: First of the previously dumped contestants. Meh.
Adele Amy: Adele! You’re back!
The Dolly Rockers: Jolly hot to molly Dolly Rockers. Older. Wiser. Well, older, anyway.
Melanie McCabe: Cowell Death Star recidivist. She made Louis cry. But not in the way Westlife make me cry.
You may have noticed that I’ve left the best until last. She was Relly rather good (see what I did there? I could get a job with The Sun).
Relly : Monochrome haired cheerful brummy. Dudley’s answer to Mary J Blige. I’m being bold and saying she is this year’s winner, giving her the opportunity to be turned into a big diva, having musical differences and being dumped by Uncle Simon within a year, Matt Cardle style.
Almost live blog for arena auditions to follow.