Well change my life forever and call me James. X Factor.
Yes, yet again I’m sitting in front of a recording of X Factor (5)
“Louis likes them,” said Louis. Of course he does.
Brick City – Band with alarming red trousers and a tea towel round the neck. Appear to be the most annoying band in the world. Until
Rough Copy turned up dddddddddddah dire. Prepositioned Louis. Result. Were two of them chefs??
Liddia and Ryan – A tie dye t shirt and a massive pair. Of ear rings. The clue was in the misspelled name. Shamazeshit. Ooo.
” I’m fuming Ryan. I’m off t’ Voice.”
Even I’m not that desperate.
Giles Potter – life being lived by his pushy parents, who may well be serial killers. Likable. Walsh dribbling. Went through, which was good. Otherwise Gary would be in a basement somewhere, tied upside down with a billiard ball in his mouth.
Lydia Lucy – “My mum taught me to sing at 6. But she couldn’t sing.” Which explained her voice. Went through.
“She just hasn’t found herself yet,” said Sharon. I haven’t found myself either, since I can shout out of tune too.
Nicholas McDonald – Sexteen. Rubbish at school. Meh. Bored yet?
Stephanie Woods – previous Cowell slave camp possible. Better than Scratch Woods. Never sing with your eyes closed. Especially in front of Sharon. You never know what she could do. Tears, hugs, outpourings of fake tans and botox.
Aron Dale – Wants to be Harry Styles. If Harry Styles couldn’t sing a note. And had a personality like a wardrobe.
Souli Roots – or Heather.
“Do you think she’s smoked too much cannabis?” enquired Lady BSM.
“She’s good, just – mental,” commented Miss Katherine.
She’s original, different, something not safe. Cowell would hate it, so Gary hates it.
“Louis loves her.” Of course he does.
The new Wagner?
James McDonald – Cry baby crooner with a Greggs habit. Gets a yes.
Louise Harper – better than Samantha. But not much. Big hug from her future ex-husband if she makes it.
Next of Kin – a band of brothers.
“How long have you been together?” asked Louis. Good grief.
They used to be signed to Universal Records, did a Smash Hits magazine tour. The complete nemesis of musical evolution. Kill them, kill them now.
Cowell mind melded judges went into melt down.
Were the Sex Pistols all in vain?
More X Factor to follow. If I can repair the telly I just kicked in.