Well bang on my bongos and call me Dermot. X Factor.
Souli Roots was back with a bang. She looked like Tina Turner on acid and sounded like a Rastafarian Yoko Ono. An irresistible force who shows that showmanship can overcome talent, known as ‘doing a Robbie Williams‘. A nail on certainty for the final, denying a credible karaoke star a place. Who cares, it’s only a telly programme.
Lydia Lucy, so ‘Essex‘, only people in Basildon can understand her. A bit of Essex yodelling and her unique version of ‘The Way Yiou Make Me Feel’ which in my case was nauseous. Louis claimed that it was a great audition. Sharon said she had a great voice, as did Gary Barlow. Through she went. Good grief.
Jeanette Akua was a better karaoke than Lydia and sailed through. More Cowell cannon fodder.
Rough Copy – three lads, one with a mother who wanted to take Dermot home. They got lost and had to fight their way out of the crowd. They described themselves as ‘street but sweet’. I’d describe them as a band, but bland. Possible Christmas finalists.
James McDonald – the singing bus driver. All the passengers from his bus came to the audition. Not voluntarily, you understand. One old dear thought that ASDA had changed all its shelves around. Judges were non committal. The royal sucker upper was particularly scathing. James was a battler, but Gary, Sharon and Louis said ‘I hate you, battler.’ (Those of you who get this joke win a special Rural Space Cadet prize).
Emily Felix – wailed her way through a song. Got short shrift from Miss Amazeballs.
Stephanie Woods sang ‘I Drove All Night‘. By Celine Dione, apparently. Like ‘Hallelujah’ is by Rebecca Ferguson. She was slightly worse than the bus driver. But went through. Soon to be soaking Dermot’s shirt in some exotic location after being given the heave ho, no doubt.
Kingsland – boy band who look like they’re sponsored by River Island. Sherzinger loved them. As did Louis. Of course.
Next of Kin – geriatric boy band. Three brothers. Compared to The Bee Gees, which was like comparing Lidl to Harrods. Gary loved them. Of course.
Nicholas McDonald – “If it wasn’t for my mother I wouldn’t be here.” Give him a break. He’s only 12. Just like me, he could make his family burst into tears just by singing. X Factor’s answer to Jimmy Krankie. Louis loved him. Of course.
Until next week, when Nicole is allegedly watching men sing their balls off. Or maybe not, because Lady BSM has booked me into a SAGA rehab centre for X Factor victims. Any messages for Matt Cardle?