I Want To Give Your Big Old Titties A Hug. X Factor episode 13

Be nice to me, Spaceman, or you're dead meat...

Be nice to me, Spaceman, or you’re dead meat…

Miss an entire episode and call me The Rural Spaceman. X Factor.

Yes, I’m sorry, but last Sunday was all too much for me. After an unbroken run of X factor blogs, I was busy doing something else, so all of you who rely on my blog so that you can talk authoritatively about it on Monday morning to Brenda in accounts, I’m sorry.

More news – I have heard that I may have a new reader who is actually involved in this year’s competition – none other than Luke Friend, the unwashed wailer from Devon. May I just say, he’s by far the best contestant in the competition. Just in case he is reading this. I’ve heard he’s fairly well connected in the Devon area; I’ve seen The Godfather, I know how this works.

First, all I saw was a dazzling array of mediocrity as one act after another flashed before my eyes. Bloody hell, this year is going to be a slog.

Hannah was on vocal rest, but managed 5 minutes of Cowell prepared drivel before appearing, singing the standard 1980’s style ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It.’

At least it’s in tune,” said Lady BSM, which was a fair point.

Next up, Jimmy Krankie, who was singing something by Spandex Belly. He didn’t know about the 1980’s. He wasn’t born in the 80’s. Therefore, he didn’t know who Spandau Ballet were. OK, he wasn’t born when they were big, but does this mean he hasn’t heard of The Beatles or The Kinks? Please. Don’t answer that. I’m not sure I want to know the answer. Again he sang in tune, wearing his ASDA shirt surrounded by dancers doing a good impression of young mums and dads trying to stay sexy. Gary manages the first ‘completely nailed it’ of the live final. Did you know he was only sixteen? I think you had enough reminders.

Miss Die Manics – all pretending to get on together. One of the Die Manics told Gary she was pregnant. Gary was very nice, reassuring her she’d be looked after before phoning the Darth Cowell Home for X Factor Orphans. What happens when she gets bigger? Will they have her in  a leopard skin mini dress, holding the small of her back as she tries to gyrate with a swollen belly? No doubt. I’m sure there’s a market for it and X Factor want the business. Unfairly, Nicole was keen to see somebody jump. I don’t think it would be advisable for one of them to do so.

Sam Bailey. Hair done. Glittery dress. Stomping towards the camera in full make up. Absolutely terrifying. Like the rest of the turns tonight, naff song, good performance. But this is a girl who’s spent a few years singing on cruise ships. Oh, you didn’t know that?

Sam Callahan. All cheesey smiles and hair lacquer. Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ’69”. A kiss from one of the dancers slowed him down as he coped with an involuntary stiffy. Again, no worse than the others, but why did they dress him like a dental nurse?

Kingsland Road – “they’ve picked an amazing 80’s song”, said Gary, as ‘Blue Monday’ played in the background. So it was… ‘I’m Your Man’ by Wham! Good choice. Hair stayed in place. Dance moves worked. Captive girls trapped at the front of the stage screamed on cue as the boys gyrated in their faces.

Justine Lee Collins – “Oh I love Wham! derserberderser for free! Yeah!”

“How do I get you alone?” she bellowed. Maybe by letting them on your cherry picker?  Shelley gave it welly, according to Louis.

Abi from Morrisons. ‘Living on a Prayer‘ in the style of a year 4 pupil in school assembly. Wobbly. As far as looks and age is concerned, she remoinds me of  Charlotte Ward, another young singer songwriter. https://soundcloud.com/charlotteward-2

Lorna Simpson – She didn’t seem too unhappy with the oiled up bare chested dancers.

“I like watching men dance,” said Lady BSM, leaning forward in her seat. Quite. Nicole said she didn’t remember her before. Neither did I.

“You hit every single note”, said Louis. But not necessarily in the right order.

“You remoind me of a black Letitia Dean,” blurted Lady BSM. Rather inappropriately, I thought.

Tamera – “What was the 80s to you?” asked Nicole. “All neon and tutu dresses,” replied Tamera. I never wore neon or tutu dresses in the 80s. Well not often.

Here he is. Luke Friend. No backing dancers. They didn’t want to risk getting nits. Luke waded in with the tantrically shaggable Sting penned ditty ‘Every Breath You Take’, accompanied by a gigantic bass player. The judges loved him. Luke, dressed like the 5th Monkee, grinned throughout. He could be Head and Shoulders ahead of the rest if he could be arsed.

Rough Copy – visa issues over, they’re a threesome again.

“Most of our friends have criminal records,” one of them said, “we’re hoping to win X Factor so dat we can make some,” he nearly continued.

They sang ‘In the Air Tonight‘, a song best remembered for the best ‘air drum’ solo ever. I don’t know about you, but something about watching three edgy, black, urban music artists sing a Phil Collins song was so Darth Cowell it beggared belief.

So, on to the vote… Shelley gets the nod for a sing off in the new sadistic flash vote.

I think it’s going to be as tight for the other act. As tight  as Dermot’s trousers.

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About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
This entry was posted in blog, blogging, blogs, freshly pressed, gary barlow, humor, humour, life observations, Nicole Scherzinger, sharon Osbourne, simon cowell, wordpress, x factor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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