Old Botox Hands – X Factor 14

Put a proper pair of trousers on and call me Dermot. X Factor.

So, the first ritual slaughter round, starting with a traditional slaughtering of a classic song, in this case, Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’. Let’s hope Pharrell Williams wasn’t watching.

Ellie Goulding, in some gold baco foil and little else. One false move and you might see her giblets. Turns out she had tights on and the costume wasn’t as bad as we first thought. Notice how we’re not talking about the actual song she sang? Typical Darth Cowell tactic. I quite like Ellie Goulding’s music, but I spent most of her performance trying to work out how naked she was, which isn’t healthy when you’re old enough to be her dad. What would Greg James say?

Set Oven at 180 degrees celcius. Roast for 2 hours, basting regularly

Set Oven at 180 degrees celcius. Roast for 2 hours, basting regularly

Next up was a woman famous for wearing very little but who’s old enough to be my mother. As Dermot said, she’s famous enough to be known by one name, like Prince, Madonna, Marmite or Botox. Cher. Singing her latest single and looking surprisingly human.

“Isn’t she about 70?” asked Master Johnny. Lady BSM and I considered. Pretty much, we decided. She looked younger than us.

“She sounds like a deaf lady,” commented Miss Katherine. We explained it was Cher.

“She looks younger than me, give me the same surgery!” demanded Lady BSM. I considered for a moment, contemplating a wife who looked 30 but may one day suddenly have a botox avalanche and end up as a plastic puddle on the living room carpet.

So, to the sing off. Justine and the contestant who nobody remembers. Her. You know. Erm. Oh yes! Laura! I mean Lorna!

“One Night Only,” bellowed Justine. Lorna had that special look that said ‘holy shit’, before giving her own interpretation of a power ballad.

Sharon abstains, Louis sends home Lorna, Gary Lorna, it’s down to Nicole … Lorna goes. I would give a bit of a tribute, but I honestly can’t remember her. Maybe if she didn’t wash her hair…


About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
This entry was posted in comedy, comic characters, freshly pressed, gary barlow, humor, humour, life observations, louis walsh, Nicole Scherzinger, sharon Osbourne, simon cowell, wordpress, x factor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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