Release a dire solo album and call me Gary. X Factor. Tonight is ‘Movie’ night. Good grief. Please save me from this. Watching Gary Barlow wave his skinny glowing stick in Nicole’s face as Dermot looks on confirmed that tonight was going to be tough.
Rough Copy sang the theme to Robin Hood – you know, that Bryan Adams song that was number one for 8 years and drove people to self harm until it was knocked off the top of the charts, the sun came out and children started smiling again. Though to hear three blokes who looked like they’d been pushed into Sports Direct and forced to dress in the dark gave me some satisfaction, because they absolutely murdered it. “You’re so strong,” said Louis, who’d obviously asked them to help him move furniture in his dressing room. More accolades from Ma Osborne and the Stubbly faced one.
Sam Callaghan – look at that cheeky grin, the pectorals, the big thighs (noticed by Lady BSM) – he sang a U2 song from a film called ‘Reality Bites’. “I don’t want to hear you sing U2”, said Nicole. No. We don’t want any original indie style music on X Factor. Darth Cowell brings out the death grip for this. But, to be fair, Boneo can’t sing either.
Hannah Barrett took Nicole to Greggs. “What’s in the Chicken Bake?” asked Nicole. “Chicken,” replied Hannah. Nicole had a sausage roll, which was unfortunate, since this contained all the calories Nicole usually eats in a week. She must have spent 4 days in the gym exercising to exhaustion and vomiting. Nicole dressed as a Greggs employee and served behind the counter. There must be a website somewhere dedicated to this. Hannah sang ‘Skyfall’ in tune, as the flames licked around her feet. Quick, throw a few of Gary’s albums into them.
Nicholas McDonald – Jimmy Krankie is just happy to be here. “He’s quite good,” commented Lady BSM, kindly. Miss Katherine and I gave her the skunk eye. “No. He’s shit,” we said in unison. Lady BSM stuck to her guns. “He’s very, erm, in tune,” she explained. Another Louis Walsh song choice, i.e. nobody had any idea where or what it was. Ma Osborne repeated her ‘sexteen’ joke. Nicole came on to him. Louis came on to him. “I hope everybody in Scotland votes for you,” said Louis. Let’s hope he’s not a Tory then.
Abi Alton – Meets Nicole in pigtails. In bed. With popcorn. This programme is like a weird dream sometimes. Little Abi has a bash at ‘Moon River’ in the style of Shirley Temple after 6 tequila slammers. Louis loved it. Ma Osborne didn’t. She is of the opinion that Abi has the personality of a sideboard. Gary concurred. Abi cried. I hear Nicholas is a fan.
“I’m fan Abi dozy,” he said. Allegedly.
Missed Die Manics – They were rubbish last week. One of them cried. The other two rallied around her and she cheered up. ‘Dreams’ they sang. Not necessarily at the same time. Or in the same key. Who would guess they were thrown together to make a band? Well, pretty much everyone.
“Don’t go on Twitter!” urged Louis.
“Don’t go on stage!” urged Master Johnny.
Dermot asked Ceecee about the comments
“Doyernowhatisitiknowdatifweiswecannoiknowitifwebelieveandlike,” she said. I thnk.
Sam Bailey – Sam used to sing on cruise ships. One night, when the weather was bad and the passengers were wearing life jackets, she had to sing the theme from Titanic to them. Unfortunately, 18 of them drowned that night. After listening to Sam, they threw themselves overboard.
Sam waited for the comments, looking determined, dressed as a middle aged version of Cinderella.
“You are Britain’s Celine Dion,” said Nicole. No. She hasn’t married a multimillionaire record company owner who promotes her albums. Yet. Her husband can still wear the T shirt.
Kingsland Cul de Sac – Let’s hope they’re performing an instrumental. ‘Pretty Woman’ they shouted. The quiffs are getting bigger, the confidence is so high they actually think they’re good. So do the judges. So do Little Rhythm. Go figure.
Luke Friend – Cue scenes of Luke meeting his public, hugging his fans.
“I call them Friendlies,” he laughed. We call them nit infested. One brave man finally pinned him down and put him through the sheep dip. Turns out his hair still looks the same (a mess) but he no longer smells like a wet rug.
Sideshow Luke belted out ‘Kiss from a Rose’, which wasn’t that bad. Luke picked the song himself. Because he’s worth it.
Temera Foster – Temera, Te you a, Temera, Te you a. Where are the Chuckle Brothers these days?
“It’s so vocally challenging, it’s like a rocket ship,” explained Nicole, helpfully.
Temera had a make over, which involved partially dying her hair blonde.
“It’s to make her look like Beyoncé,” explained Miss Katherine. Dressed as a Christmas cracker, she stood on top of the piano and belted out her Beyoncé number as Ron Weasley plonked away on the keyboard.
Flash (A-ahhh!) vote ‘winner’ : This is the first time I can remember seeing this. A countdown for brainwashed X Factor victims to race against time to pour more cash into Darth Cowell’s Death Star, helping him to stifle new artists and create his world of wall to wall corporate muzak, sedating the nation into a state of mediocre pap… sorry. I lost it a bit there, didn’t I?
Oh. After more long, dramatic music and long dramatic pauses it was ….. ….. …. …. …. …. …. …. Gary Barlow’s ‘Since I Saw You Last.’ Oh no. It was Missed Die Manics. Who’d have thought?