Well, dress me up like Stan Laurel and call me Dermot. X Factor.
It’s big band night, which means nothing to anybody under the age of 50 who may have been exposed to it by their parents. Think a world dominated by Michael Bubbles. Yes, I know. Terrifying, isn’t it?
Abi up first singing ‘That’s Life’. Why is a young girl singing this? Oh, hang on, it’s the Cowell Death Star, what am I thinking?
Sam next, and Michael Bolton, the man famous for having two haircuts, dropped in to see her. He loved her. Mr Sam. her husband, needs to make the most of that t shirt that says ‘ My wife has the X Factor’. It’s up to you New York, she crooned, with various encouragements of ‘come on’. Good performance. But she’s over 25 and doomed. Meh.
Next up, the singing embryo, Jimmy Krankie. He can’t remember The Stone Roses, let alone big bands. Nicholas sang ‘Dream a Little Dream’… do you know what? It was quite pleasant. Very soothing. So soothing. All my worries are drifting away and I’m relaxed zzzzzz…
Thanks Nicholas. I genuinely enjoyed this. Winner? He needs to release ‘Donald where’s your trousers?’ for Christmas.
Luke Friend – he went back to Devon and tried a bit of busking, like he used to. Nobody killed him. He went back to college to see all his old college mates. “I’m on X Factor, losers,” he nearly said. Nobody killed him. ‘Moondance’ by Van Morrison. I have a horrible feeling somebody will audition for X Factor in three years’ time and say they’re going to sing ‘Moondance’ by Luke Friend. I liked it. Singer songwriter hobbit Gary Barlow hated it, as did Nicoleballs. A conspiracy!!
Next up Hannah Barrett. She wasn’t allowed to use her voice all week, so she immediately became my favourite X Factor contestant. Just to make sure she stayed in the competition, she played the deceased dad card. ‘Even though I have trouble with my boys, I’m going to give it my best,” I misheard her saying. Another good karaoke performance.
Rough Copy – something to do with socks. I don’t know. I didn’t see any X Factor last week. Yeah, which is just a distracting tactic before three black urban mo’fo rappers try and do big band. Why is one wearing a skirt? But they’re great, which means I’ve got to the point in the show when I’ve had too many glasses of wine. Nicole loved it. Louis loved it. Sharon loved it. Gary obviously loved it. Good job the visa worked out. This could be the JLS replacement. Darth Cowell must be loving it.
Temera – apparently, used to be troubled until she was given everything she wants in the X Factor factory. Mum made a visit for a cuddle. Average performance. To be fair, would you want her to win it? I would predict a Whitney style demise without the fame and fortune. Bottom two contender, methinks.
Darth Cowell appears on the screen to tell all the Cowell slaves they’ll be performing for him this year. Cue hysteria. No payment terms were discussed and Sam Callaghan went on to give an average performance. Lots of smug looks and winks, but ultimately shit. If there’s any justice, he should be in the bottom one. The judges gave the most uncommitted comments ever.
No flash vote tonight. If I had my way, I’d end it now and make Dermot X Factor winner. But unfortunately we have to struggle on.