X Factor – It’s Final.

X Factor Final final review…

I wasn’t paying attention to start with, really.

Jimmy Krankie sang a song.

The Singing Screw sang a song.

A woman locked in a cage made a terrible howling noise before escaping and continuing to make a horrible racket that had the same effect as scraping a rusty nail across a piece of slate very slowly. Traumatising. They finally managed to lock her up in the cage again and fire her into the ceiling. Apparently known as Katy Perry. Avoid at all costs.

Jimmy sings again in front of the lighting display from B&Q. His mum wins the prize for the first ‘incredible journey’ comment of the weekend. “If it wasn’t for my mum and dad I wouldn’t be here,” he explained. That’s what GCSE Biology does for you.

The Singing Screw sings again, dressed up like the most glamorous funeral director you’ve ever seen. Skyscraper. Sung by … Demi Levato, of course. “Timing is everything, and time is in his time, for time is in it’s time,” said Nicole, helpfully. That’s what GCSE Relativity does for you. Sam’s family, completely bereft of adverbs, gave her accolade after accolade.

More reviews of what we saw only 20 minutes ago before the final, final decisi… oh. Hang on.

Elton. Lots of soldiers in white uniforms and feathered pith helmets. Grand pianos on a revolving turntable. Elton John, understated as ever. Gary Barlow, famous for being a royal kissyass, sucks up to another great queen.

Note: Is Elton trying to turn himself into a Thunderbird puppet?

Elton. He was marvellous, darling.

Elton. He was marvellous, darling.

And so the winner is … The Singing Screw, Sam Bailey.

Darth Cowell’s plan for Sam Bailey.

1. Fix teeth

2. Book live-in fitness instructor

3. Buy father of her children a “My ex-wife’s got The X Factor” T shirt.


About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
This entry was posted in blog, blogging, blogs, comedy, comic characters, elton john, freshly pressed, gary barlow, humor, humour, life observations, linguistics, Nicole Scherzinger, relationships, Sam Bailey, sharon Osbourne, wordpress, x factor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to X Factor – It’s Final.

  1. LillianC says:

    Well, at least such spectacles create jobs for the production crew.

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