X Factor Final final review…
I wasn’t paying attention to start with, really.
Jimmy Krankie sang a song.
The Singing Screw sang a song.
A woman locked in a cage made a terrible howling noise before escaping and continuing to make a horrible racket that had the same effect as scraping a rusty nail across a piece of slate very slowly. Traumatising. They finally managed to lock her up in the cage again and fire her into the ceiling. Apparently known as Katy Perry. Avoid at all costs.
Jimmy sings again in front of the lighting display from B&Q. His mum wins the prize for the first ‘incredible journey’ comment of the weekend. “If it wasn’t for my mum and dad I wouldn’t be here,” he explained. That’s what GCSE Biology does for you.
The Singing Screw sings again, dressed up like the most glamorous funeral director you’ve ever seen. Skyscraper. Sung by … Demi Levato, of course. “Timing is everything, and time is in his time, for time is in it’s time,” said Nicole, helpfully. That’s what GCSE Relativity does for you. Sam’s family, completely bereft of adverbs, gave her accolade after accolade.
More reviews of what we saw only 20 minutes ago before the final, final decisi… oh. Hang on.
Elton. Lots of soldiers in white uniforms and feathered pith helmets. Grand pianos on a revolving turntable. Elton John, understated as ever. Gary Barlow, famous for being a royal kissyass, sucks up to another great queen.
Note: Is Elton trying to turn himself into a Thunderbird puppet?
And so the winner is … The Singing Screw, Sam Bailey.
Darth Cowell’s plan for Sam Bailey.
1. Fix teeth
2. Book live-in fitness instructor
3. Buy father of her children a “My ex-wife’s got The X Factor” T shirt.