I Married a Chartered Accountant Epilogue – Financial Numpty

Lady Barton St Mary instructed me to set up my side of an online joint mortgage application, having completed her own. Amazingly, I managed to do the computery bit, all the time worrying that I may have completed some financial transaction that cost us all of our worldly goods and would cause Lady BSM to do something unimaginably unpleasant to me with a fountain pen. All I had to do was telephone the bank and ‘activate’ my account. I love all this jargon; as a child I dreamed of being Illya Kuryakin in The Man from Uncle and being ‘activated’ by a computer. However, this wasn’t how I’d imagined it would turn out. Anyway, I called.

(Automated answer machine and funky music that initially greets you).

Bank: Hello, The Bank, James speaking. How may I help you?

Me: Hello James. I’d like to activate my account mortgage online thingy.

Bank: Certainly. We just have to go through a few routine security questions.

Me: (Swallow something large) O.K.

Bank: Firstly, do you have any other accounts with us?

Me: (silence).

Bank: Hello?

Me: Hello!

Bank: Ermm… do you have any other accounts with us?

Me: I don’t know.

Bank: (stifled laughter, I imagine James looking at colleague and pointing to phone) Ah, that’s OK, we’ll try something else.

Me: I’m not very good at this am I?

Bank: It’s fine, sir, honestly. (Image of James putting me onto speaker phone and special ‘I’ve got a live one!’ notice lighting up in call centre).

Bank: Let’s try something else. What’s your memorable question?

Me: I have a memorable question?

Bank: (James with wavy mouth, shoulders shaking) Yes, sir. Could you tell me what your memorable question is?

Me: I can’t remember.

(James stuffs fist in mouth and raises eyes to sniggering co-workers).

Bank: Never mind. Just tell me how much money you’re asking to borrow.

Me: (Silence).

Bank: Sorry?

Me: Oh sorry. I didn’t say anything.

Bank: Sorry. I just wanted to know how much money you wished to borrow.

Me: I don’t know.

Bank: (James making lunatic whirly finger signs next to his head)

Me: I think perhaps I should call back.

Bank: Well, if you think that’s best, sir…

Me: Yes, I think I’ll do that. Thanks, bye.

Bank: Thanks yes, speak to you later.

(As I hang up phone, hear delirious laughter from entire call centre staff echoing in my ears).


About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
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One Response to I Married a Chartered Accountant Epilogue – Financial Numpty

  1. “What is the 3rd and 5th number of your telephone banking password?”………..fills me with dread. You’re not even told how many digits it is to start with, so the guesswork is so much harder…….

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