Rural Spaceman – You’re Fired.

rob sugar

Just over a week ago, my Faceache friend Lisa and a couple of others tagged me in a post made by a business website:

“Hi all!!!! I am on the hunt for male bloggers. If you are a man who is a fitness fanatic, into health, good at fashion, a knowledgeable cook, a single parent or a business owner we would love to welcome you to our team of bloggers. Please note that we are looking for dedicated bloggers who will be able to submit at least one blog of 350 words a month. Your article should not be a direct promotion of a product or service you are associated with.”

Well, I thought, no harm in giving it a go, so I sent them an e-mail with the title Me Man, Me Blog:

Several of my friends on Faceache have sent me your message appealing for a male blogger who is a fitness fanatic, into health, good at fashion, a knowledgeable cook, a single parent or a business owner. Well, indeed I am a man, which is a good start. I also blog once a week as rural spaceman, which is also helpful. I am a regular runner, don’t eat beige things, love shopping for clothes and have to cook tea every day. I’m not a single parent but had to look after my kids when they were little, because my wife is a very successful business woman (one of Cotswold Style magazine’s top 50 business women of the year). I still have to tend to them in the middle of the night when they leave the club with enough money for a kebab but not a taxi. If you would like to sample some of my blog, please feel free to follow the link below. Don’t worry if you find yourself saying ‘What’s he on about?’, most people do. I think that the blog entitled ‘I Married a Chartered Accountant’ may appeal to the business community, but I would like to point out I can write about virtually anything without any previous experience. I look forward to hearing from you soon, unless you think I’m rubbish in which case thanks for reading this far.

I received this reply:

Sounds greatSmiling face with smiling eyes  would love to have you on the team. I will send you through a document with the guidelines etc to follow.

ThanksSmiling face with smiling eyes 

 

I’d been hired! I wrote my first blog, just over 350 words, less than 500, entitled ‘How to be a Corporate Husband’ and pinged it back. Almost immediately I received another e-mail. Considering it was nearly 8pm on a Sunday, I was impressed by their dedication:

Hey,

 Wow!! AmazingSmiling face with smiling eyes  I will get it published right awaySmiling face with smiling eyes  Could you email me a short paragraph about you and what you will be writing about please? Its for your bio.. Oh I will need an image of you too if that’s ok??

Thanks

The following morning, I received this e-mail:

That blog you sent was really funny but I think some of our readers won’t really see the funny side.. I had to take it down for this reason. If would like to write more for us please could you try and tone it down a little?? haha

If you have a read of some of the other articles you can see what we are looking for.

 

Thanks

After careful consideration, I replied:

Oh dear. I’ve never been sacked on my first day before.  Unfortunately, some readers will never see the funny side. Having read some of the other blogs, I realise I may have to considerably lower my tone. haha I’m not sure I could beat how to keep your chocolate in the fridge, but having seen nearly every episode of The Apprentice and most of Dragon’s Den, I’m sure I could write some very insightful self help business consultancy blogs. What do you think? Haha

They replied:

Hi Rob,

Hahaha! That would be smashing Smiling face with smiling eyes  

 

Thanks

“No,” said Lady Barton St Mary, “I think it’s time you stopped now. They don’t get you and they never will. Leave them alone.”

Here’s the offending blog:

How to be a Corporate Husband

There’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there is a woman.”

When I say old, I mean at a time when women were called ‘birds’, worked as nurses, secretaries or air hostesses or generally stayed at home looking after children. These days, things are certainly different, although there’s still a way to go. I know, because I happen to be married to Lady Barton St Mary, a highly successful business woman, a financial director of a large multinational company.

Here are my top 10 tips for being a corporate husband:

  1. Don’t take offence when your director wife criticises your culinary skills. Shrieking ‘I’ve been slaving over that for hours, you beast!” and locking yourself in the bathroom is not constructive. Not that I’ve done that, as far as you know.
  2. Don’t be surprised when she’s not interested in your phone call in the middle of a board meeting about whether we have frozen chips or not. She’s got other things on her mind.
  3. Improve your ironing skills. Embrace it. Make it entertaining by watching sports and box sets on TV. Don’t be surprised at the sheer volume of ironing you have to do. Corporate wives appear to have more clothes than Debenhams.
  4. Be prepared for your partner coming home still in company director mode. Typical signs include walking around the house with their hands behind their back inspecting things and saying things like, “I think it would be a good idea if you…” Gently remind your corporate wife that she is now at home and you are not an employee but somebody who will see her in her nightie brushing her teeth at bed time.
  5. Resist any attempts by your wife to organise a meeting to formulate your personal development plan with SMART objectives. The last thing you want is to fail to meet your targets and the threat of being replaced by a more efficient corporate husband that looks like Channing Tatum.
  6. Company directors work long hours. Don’t phone them up and ask them when they are coming home. They will always tell you half an hour. They will always be lying.
  7. Remember, they are in control. If they ask you to decide something, they want to be sure the decision they’ve already made will have your eventual backing.
  8. Don’t ask too many questions about what they’ve been doing all day. You will rarely understand the answer. But that might just be me.
  9. Social events are a potential minefield – on a night out paid by the company, do not order a vintage bottle of champagne and whisky chasers. Ending the evening doing the hokey cokey with your spouse’s employees whilst wearing a traffic cone on your head will not end well.
  10. Be thankful that you have an intelligent, powerful woman as a life partner. If nothing else, it gives you the chance to write blogs about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
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5 Responses to Rural Spaceman – You’re Fired.

  1. thomas peck says:

    As an ex-corporate man, married to a still corporate wife, I agree wholeheartedly with your 10 tips. I’d add an 11th: remember that a corporate wife will find it hard to leave the office behind. When she says, first thing in the morning, ‘ could you just do this today’, or ‘ could you do that’ the conditional tense is entirely misleading. Her mind is already in the office, and the tense is the imperative merely disguised.

  2. LillianC says:

    You’re too good for them! “How to be a Corporate Husband” is witty, satirical, insightful, and just plain funny.

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