Dear Mr Dyson
I stopped at Membury Services on the M4 in the early hours of Sunday morning, returning from witnessing Wales steal all the points from England in the rugby World Cup pool match at Twickenham. I needed to have a well earned comfort break and take the opportunity to wash my tear stained face.
It was here I came upon a ‘dyson airblade V’. I was intrigued by the lack of capital letters for what was clearly a proper noun, as well as wondering whether the ‘V’ was Roman or alluding to the shape of the aforementioned apparatus.
Anyway, after taking my ease, I faithfully followed the accompanying instructions (pictured), carefully placing my hands under the hand dryer, drawing them through the onrushing warm air, turning to dry them on both sides.
Now, I am an admirer of your other products. In fact, my mum described you as ‘that well spoken man who makes good Hoovers’.
However, the claim that ‘hands are dried with filtered air in just 10 seconds’ is clearly untrue. Unless, of course, your hands are the size of a small fruit monkey or a 6 day old baby.
Perhaps it is my cleaning regime that defies your assertion. I like to thoroughly clean my hands like a surgeon, carefully washing wrists, palm, dorsum and fingers before progressing to the drying process. True, most men in public toilets like to flick their hands at the tap before approaching your dyson airblade V, where they make a cursory wave before wiping their barely damp hands on their trousers.
A more accurate set of instructions would be:
‘Draw hands through air, turning them to dry both sides, several times, over and over again, then move away, hang on they’re still a bit damp and there’s a bloke with wet hands waiting to use the machine but continue to draw hands through air, turning them to dry both sides, several times, over and over again until that bloke thinks ‘whatsamatter with this weirdo my hands are freezing fuck off’ until they’re really, really dry.’
I realise you would probably have to build a bigger dyson airblade V (a dyson airblade VXL?) to get all the instructions on, but I’m sure a nicely spoken man who makes good Hoovers like you could do this.
PS – I was caught by the security guard taking photos in the gents and my case comes up next month. Would it be possible for you to put in a good word for me?