Age May Not Become You

Wordpretzels, earlier this year an organisation called OnePoll carried out some research for the website retiresavvy.com, obviously a digital world that will be closer to my heart sooner than i would wish for. 2000 people answered questions on when it was too old to do certain things. Based on the results, let’s see if I can give you some advice.

First of all, if you are over 38 years old, grow up. This is the key milestone for being a grown up, apparently. However, it would be perfectly respectable to wear slippers and own a cheeseboard.You’d also qualify for a sensible anorak (37).Anybody over the age of 38 should forget any idea of having a tattoo or a piercing. This one I can agree with. Ear rings are fine on people over 38, providing they are female. Men just look sad, desperately clinging on to their rapidly disappearing youth. Think David Essex, not in 1974 but 2016.

You could take a trip to the nightclub until 44, but I don’t know how. Anybody in a nightclub over the age of 35 always looks suspicious to me, being at least 10 years older than the majority of the clientele. Anybody over 50 wearing a Hawaiian shirt in a nightclub is likely to be on a list somewhere. In fact, the survey suggested that staying out after midnight should cease when you reach 52. I’d love to contest this one, but these days if I’m not leaving a dinner party by 11.30pm I’m likely to fall into a coma. I call this age related times – midnight for a 56 year old is technically 4am in ‘old grunter time’.

Fancy a holiday with the lads or lasses? Ibiza? Giving it large? Over 40? Give it a miss.

Do you know somebody who likes to show off in their car? Boy racers were judged to be too old at 33. If they lived that long, idiots.

It appears that we are becoming more childish. I know plenty of grown ups, some with grey hair and nearly paid mortgages, piles and loose teeth who go to see films like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Paddington Bear, Star Trek and Star Wars without a child. In fact, these days, they make grown up children’s programmes. I’m a grown up who enjoys watching The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones (basically Lord of the Rings with profanity and tits). I like to play video games and keep up with current music, which apparently must stop after the age of 42. My defence for music (I don’t have one for video games) would be the same as John Peel’s. As you age, you don’t stop trying new foods, so why do that with music?

Most of my friends don’t see it that way. Anything released after 1980 is regarded as screaming or weird people banging dustbin lids together. If music were food, they’d still be eating Vesta Curries and Angel Delight. They also like to settle down on a Sunday night to watch Countryfile and The Antiques Roadshow, before dozing off with a nice wildlife programme narrated by Sir David Attenborough. They won’t mind me saying this. Well, they would, but they don’t use social media, so are unlikely to read this. By the way, you’re too old for twitter at 47, Facebook at 49 and text talk at 36.

But despite this, my generation are certainly less grown up than previous ones. Take my parents, for example. They were old parents (born 1920). By the time they were 26, they were employed, responsible, brylcreemed, suited and booted (well, the men at least). They’d given up games when they were 12, in a job at 14 and possibly married 5 years later. They had all their teeth taken out for a 21st birthday present and only danced on a Sturday night after half a mild. In my parents’ case, they’d also been involved in a world war, lost friends and family and seen things no young person should ever see. No wonder they put away childish things. Goodness knows what they would think of skinny jeans (47).

Of course, I decided to do some research of my own and try and get some examples of the worst excesses of age inappropriateness in public.

EXHIBIT A

IMG_3594

Classic specimen. On closer inspection, age determined at 55-60. In flip flops (socks required over 50)  Maori tattoos on both arms (at least he’ll be dead before thinking why did I do that) and the old favourite – a Superdry t shirt, age limit 30. So, an image which screams David Beckham meets Jona Lomu mixed in with a bit of young farmer. Oh, he also had an ear ring. To emphasise this oldager, he’s also getting several packets of chocolate buttons. Do you think they’re for the grandkids?

EXHIBIT B

IMG_3599

Truly terrifying. Oldagers completely out of control. Predicted age 70 plus. Pink hair. Hawaiian style shirt. Funky Will.i.am spectacles. White shoes. But the one article that sums it all up, three quarter length trousers. These shouldn’t have an age restriction, rather a short prison sentence and a public burning of the offending article.

What do you think? I suppose these people are doing no harm. As kids they were probably told to grow up and be sensible. Nowadays, people probably look back on these reproaches and realise they can do what they like. Heck, all those things I would have been shouted at for doing as a kid. Then they go out, buy outrageous clothes, eat an entire packet of bourbon biscuits in one sitting and play candy crush on an iPad, asking the local headteacher/banker/solicitor/GP for extra lives.

Thanks for reading. Must go. Robot Wars is on the telly…

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About ruralspaceman

A man trapped inside a middle aged body still tries to be hip and trendy. Actually, no he doesn't. He says it as he sees it. as long as it's not too controversial. Living with his wife, Lady Barton St Mary, two children, Miss Katherine and Master Johnny in Randall Towers, he is constantly frustrated by the mechanisms of modern life and the issues raised by being the husband of a high flying executive and member of the aristocracy. All he wants is a quiet life and a full set of Deal or No Deal DVDs. Please help him.
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7 Responses to Age May Not Become You

  1. Lady Dickson says:

    Booooooooooo hisssssssssss booooooooooooooo booooooooooooooo!

    Okay, I’m with you on the nightclub thing. Hell, I’m 28 and hate all things nightclub. I’m too old for that shit now. But everything else….just you watch, spaceman, I’m going to be 50 with pink hair, walk into a tattoo parlor, groove to whatever fresh new beats they’re playing, and tell all the young whippersnappers all about my latest trip to the Full Moon Party in Thailand.

  2. LillianC says:

    Too funny! Apparently I’m too old for all the social media I use. I claim exemption to the age rule by right of being a Goddess of Shameless Self-Promotion. (This title was awarded to me by fellow writers.) I do agree with the “no partying after midnight” idea. When I speak at conventions, I’m usually back in my hotel room by 10 p.m. (With my roommate, who is my writing partner.) I have two piercings, one in each ear, making one pair of earrings. I have no tattoos. Why not? I have scars. They make for much more interesting stories.

  3. kazaj21 says:

    I don’t agree with all of those, why can’t men over 50 wear flip flops!!! Really? By the way, do you know these people or did you stalk them?

  4. Great commentary Rob, although I admire older people who wear flamboyant clothes. Why not? No tats though.

  5. thomas peck says:

    Mmmmm, I keep threatening my kids that I’m going to get a tattoo. They’re always horrified with the idea. I of course would never actually do such a thing, mainly because of the pain, but also because it’s naff. The plumber, currently downstairs wrestling with my radiator, disagrees. He’s got huge faces of his two kids tattood on his calves… I’m amazed by how many have got tats. I’ve just been on holiday and everyone seemed to be covered in them apart from me. But a tat cannot wrinkle gracefully. Best avoided, methinks. Still going to threaten the kids though…

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